Even the strong grow weary.

Today has been one of those days where I'd just rather crawl back into bed and forget the entire world.

Things were going fine, not great nor bad, but fine up until I picked AK up from daycare. He had not napped today since he was working with the speech therapist who makes visits. This meant I got to deal with a fussy baby on the ride home and pray that if I put him down for a nap, he'd take one. My prayers went unanswered as I spent almost an hour trying to lay him down to sleep. I gave in and let him stay awake. Though, this is not a normal fussy, this is the teething fussy which I'm sure so many of you are aware of. And not just any teething, oh no, we're talking molars.
I tried and tried for hours to calm him and even thought maybe a car ride would soothe the beast, but as I dropped my husband off at work for his shift and still had a screaming child, I realized that was a no go. I incorporated his great grandmother into the equation and tried to see if she could calm him with the massive explosion of toys she'd been stashing for him, and no. I came home and called my neighbor who also happens to be my mother and begged her to meet me at home. He threw his head back, made his body go rigid and shrieked like I'd began to skin him alive just by getting him out of the carseat...My mother tried, and tried, and tried to make him calm again until I was on the floor myself crying. That's right ladies, I broke.
I was needing to pay a small bill and went by the ATM to withdraw some money on the way home and discovered I only have $28 in my banking account, and do not expect to receive more for another week and a half. With a child, we all know that is a bloody bullshit dream of an accomplishment.
So immediately, I begin to grow angry and fume silently inside of my head. "If his asshole of a father would actually pay child support, we wouldn't be in this situation." "If he'd just buy one fucking pack of diapers, I'd be set for this week" "If he'd just help me, my life wouldn't be so hard..." What kind of world do we live in when a mother cannot rely on the father of her child to help her be it financially or emotionally? I remember back in the 'old days' where "If you got her pregnant son, you gotta marry her" was still around. By no means would I ever take that man as a husband, I'd prefer the shot gun myself, but why can't we compromise? Why must it be either "Marry her" or "Forget about her and the kid"?
So I'm sitting here with chicken boiling on the stove and for what? I forgot why. I've been in robot mode because I am so crippled with asking "Why is it such an inconvenience for him to help us...". I put chicken on to boil, I changed AK's diaper and put him down for bed, I poured myself a drink, checked my bags for homework, and found myself here.
I always swore that I'd never call SD and beg him to pay child support, something, anything. I always swore I'd handle this on my own. I told myself that I would never in a million years beg him just to help some how...But it's boiling down to that. I have no money and I did not make this child alone. Actually, scratch all that. I will not call and beg him. I will call him, inform him of my situation, and leave it up to him whether or not to act. If he refuses to help me, I'll just have to help myself. I always have, and I always will. I've raised this beautiful, amazing child on my own for nearly two years now and I'm sure this week will not be the breaker.

Mamas, never forget, you can do it somehow, even if you have to type it all out and read it to realize how much you'd let yourself give up. Never, ever give up.

Phone Drama?

Ah, this has been a crazy adventure since my last post. I stuck by my word and kept SD's entire area code blocked from my phone. However, the app does have two methods of which it blocks calls; The first being answer and hang up automatically, the second sends it straight to voicemail. I was curious to see if he'd call, so I set it to send calls to voicemail because he always leaves a voicemail, even though the app does tell me if a call was blocked. SD has been blocked from calling since October 11th, and has not attempted to call once. But for some reason, I lost my gut and opened the door back up.
Thursday night (October 18th), I decided that I wanted to see if SD wanted to see AK or not Friday when I brought him down. So I asked SD's mother for his phone number, she gave me the home phone number for the residence of him, IB, and IB's mother of whom SD and IB live with. I called, no answer, and I needed to inform my friend of whom we were riding with to save gas of whether or not I'd be going for sure (I had a lot of things going on and was not planning to go unless he wanted to see AK) by 8PM, and it was now 6PM. So I called SD's mother back and asked for IB's cell phone number, since SD destroyed his. This, ladies, is where things get 'fun'.
I call the phone, and IB answers. I politely asked "May I speak to SD?" She nearly broke my phone with the attitude she popped, asking "Who is this." I told her who, and she hands him the phone. I assume I'm on speaker because of the echo, which I usually am. SD answers while I hear IB in the background screaming "Ask her how the hell she got my fucking phone number", when maybe 3 weeks ago she was saying 'OMG let's be BFFs'? He asks, I tell him that I asked his mother for it because I needed to speak with him immediately and she was only being polite, he does not repeat what I said (Furthering my suspicion of being on speaker) when I hear IB say "Oh hell no, I'm going to call your mother and cuss her ass out, blah blah blah" (After ass, I tuned her out). That's when I heard it.
"Shut. The. Fuck. Up." I'm stunned. This is the same man who called this woman his sun, moon, and stars...Telling her to STFU? LOL! I laughed so hard, I couldn't resist it. And it made it even better when I hear her say "Oh hell no, you ain't gonna talk to me like that". He replies with "I'm so fucking tired of hearing you bitch." Oh my god, by this point ladies, I'd soaked my panties with just the venom he was spewing to this person who he admitted on multiple occasions was more important than his own child. She storms out, we have a conversation and I tell him that I'll call back in an hour after he figures out whether or not he can find a ride to the location. This, again, is where things get fun.
I call him back in a little over an hour, and IB answers again with the same amount of attitude, and I politely ask again to speak to SD. I hear her scream "God damn it!" and put SD on the phone. I'd had just about enough of her mouth, so before he even speaks, I said "Put her back on the phone." He nearly begged me, saying "I don't want to deal with it..." I said "Put her on the phone." IB is in the background (Again, I'm on speaker) saying "I don't want to talk to her." Too bad sugar, because that's when I said "Bitch pick up the fucking phone."
This time, she sounds like a shy little 6 year old girl when she answers, with a simple "H...Hello?" I asked her "Do you have a problem with me, IB?"
"Wh...What do you mean by that?"
"Well it would seem that the first time I called, you acted like a fucking twat. And don't think I didn't hear you scream 'God damn it' the second time I called which is really fucking weird considering two, three weeks ago you were saying we should be friends. So, IB, do you or do you not have a fucking problem with me?"
"Well...No that's not it. I just don't like people giving out my number like that."
"Get over it. He's the father of my son, I needed to speak with him immediately."
"Well...I guess you can call this number ONLY if it's an emergency and ONLY if you can't get us on the home phone."
"Hmm...Yeah no. If I need to speak with him, I will call your phone, your house phone, your mothers phone, your aunts phone...Get my drift? I will call whoever, whenever I want if I need to speak with him. Got it?"
"Here's SD."
"So glad we got that taken care of, you have a great night sweety."

So funny...It really is. It's hilarious when someone has all these balls when they're not speaking directly to you. Mamas, stand. Your. Ground. Do not let the new girlfriend, if she is anything like IB, treat you like you're not important. You gave birth to that child, you have raised that child, and I don't care if it's just to call and say "I farted and it stinks", that is your right to do so. You have the right to be in contact with your child's father and don't let girls like this make you think otherwise.

I'd Had Enough.

It's been so long since I last posted because I've had absolutely annoying things going on.

For instance, about two weeks ago I received a letter from Child Support Enforcement. I opened it up, read it, and literally just could not wrap my mind around it said to the point I thought they'd sent me the wrong thing and called my case worker. I asked her to explain the letter to me. "Well basically, this is a copy of what we sent SD and it has been ruled that for as long as he is in Job Corps, the monthly amount will still aaccumulate. He can pay if he wants to, but we're not going to make him until he leaves the program."
Of course, I'm astonished. I lost what little bit of patience I'd been saving for a bad day and said "Oh, so I guess it costs less to raise our son just because he's in Job Corps, where he makes $37 every two weeks with his meals, utilities, and room being provided so it's sheer spending money. Oh, and it was also my understanding that he only had to pay in a fraction of his paychecks and Job Corps would match the rest. Men who are unemployed and not drawing unemployment are still responsible for $50 a month, but he's not? How is that fair?"
She went on to explain that after he left the program and started working, they could get a judgement to garnish his wages. I told her that was a fabulous idea because he'd already told me that I would not receive a penny from him and by them doing this, it further reinforced the idea.

It was projected that he would leave Job Corps in December of this year, and proclaimed that after leaving the program, SD had 72 hours to contact Child Support Enforcement and inform them.
Well, I found out through SD's mother that he'd been out of Job Corps for a week and a half, and had informed no one. I decided to be nice and call my case worker and inform her. Though now that he's out of Job Corps, SD has moved in with the dreaded gum disease, Gingivitis. Oh wait, I named her IB. Out of the blue one night after not having spoken to him in a month (Which was pure bliss), SD decides to call. He asks how our son, AK is doing. Despite the fact he's been a horrible father, I still tell him how our son is doing when he asks. Of course it's been rather dramatic lately so I'm going into a lot of detail about AK's health since he was premature and even as a near 2 year old still suffers developmental delays. He has me on speaker which I did not appreciate because when I tell him of our son's well being, it is for his ears alone but whatever. So I'm going on and on, and all of a sudden, IB starts talking to him and interrupts me. I absolutely hate being interrupted, but held my tongue. I waited, and waited, and waited until finally I said "SD". "Hang on a second" he says. I explode. "No, you called me to ask about your son. She can shut the fuck up and wait five minutes until I'm done saying what I need to say because I know her mother raised her with better manners than to interrupt someone." He agreed that I was right, and IB giggled and said "Oops, sorry." I did a mock giggle back and said "Whatever." At this point, I'd turned into the immature brat that I dislike so much. We finish speaking, he promises to call the next day. And a week later...
I finally heard from him again. I called him because I had rage just building. I was tired of the 'call once, dissapear for one to three plus months' deal. I told him in the calmest way anyone could and said this was not healthy and his son loved to talk on the phone, so he needed to call and either ask about him, or speak to him (He babbles, doesn't speak but still loves to). I didn't expect him to do it every day, but multiple times a week or I was done, I wouldn't allow him to call again. He agreed, then went on to talk about how he wants to become a Wilderness Guide. Good for you, a round of shots for all. But says that he will be stationed in either Colorado or Wyoming which is a good distance from our humble state of North Carolina. I asked him if that was his way of saying that he did not wish to be a part of our son's life and if it was, that was fine, just to tell me. He said no and then said he would work four to five months, then come visit.
Again, I'm stuck with putting my foot down. "You will not bounce in and out of this child's life. You have met him once and he is turning two in a month. You will either see him at least once a month unless something serious arises, or you will not see him at all." Of course, he says "That's not fair." because being a father to him depends on his schedule and apparently, he's been booked for the last two years. "No, it's perfectly fair. You had your father growing up. Now imagine seeing him once a month. Sucks doesn't it?" "Yeah, but I could deal with it." "Right, you may have. But now picture this. You see your dad once, maybe twice a year. Fucks with your head huh? All those times you went to the store with him, went hunting, camping, or just watched TV together...Gone."
He finally agreed that I was right, and promised to call me the next day which was Tuesday of last week. So I honestly kept my phone in my pocket all day, made sure several times that the ringer was on. Not a phone call one...On Wednesday, I started getting angry when my son's bed time rolled around and no phone call. I inform SD's mother that if he does not call by AK's bed time the next day (7PM), then he would never contact me again and I'd make sure of it.
Thursday, I installed an app to my phone that blocks anything from restricted/private callers to individual numbers, to entire area codes, to anyone who isn't in your contacts. Thursday at 7:05PM, I programmed in his entire area code into the block. Here we are, 4 days later. I am supposed to be driving to his city so that AK can have visitation with SD's mother Friday. His mother has informed him of this and he has expressed no wishes to be there.

I think this is it mamas, I think this is where everything all crumbles into the embers and fades. We shall see, hmm?