Today has been one of those days where I'd just rather crawl back into bed and forget the entire world.
Things were going fine, not great nor bad, but fine up until I picked AK up from daycare. He had not napped today since he was working with the speech therapist who makes visits. This meant I got to deal with a fussy baby on the ride home and pray that if I put him down for a nap, he'd take one. My prayers went unanswered as I spent almost an hour trying to lay him down to sleep. I gave in and let him stay awake. Though, this is not a normal fussy, this is the teething fussy which I'm sure so many of you are aware of. And not just any teething, oh no, we're talking molars.
I tried and tried for hours to calm him and even thought maybe a car ride would soothe the beast, but as I dropped my husband off at work for his shift and still had a screaming child, I realized that was a no go. I incorporated his great grandmother into the equation and tried to see if she could calm him with the massive explosion of toys she'd been stashing for him, and no. I came home and called my neighbor who also happens to be my mother and begged her to meet me at home. He threw his head back, made his body go rigid and shrieked like I'd began to skin him alive just by getting him out of the carseat...My mother tried, and tried, and tried to make him calm again until I was on the floor myself crying. That's right ladies, I broke.
I was needing to pay a small bill and went by the ATM to withdraw some money on the way home and discovered I only have $28 in my banking account, and do not expect to receive more for another week and a half. With a child, we all know that is a bloody bullshit dream of an accomplishment.
So immediately, I begin to grow angry and fume silently inside of my head. "If his asshole of a father would actually pay child support, we wouldn't be in this situation." "If he'd just buy one fucking pack of diapers, I'd be set for this week" "If he'd just help me, my life wouldn't be so hard..." What kind of world do we live in when a mother cannot rely on the father of her child to help her be it financially or emotionally? I remember back in the 'old days' where "If you got her pregnant son, you gotta marry her" was still around. By no means would I ever take that man as a husband, I'd prefer the shot gun myself, but why can't we compromise? Why must it be either "Marry her" or "Forget about her and the kid"?
So I'm sitting here with chicken boiling on the stove and for what? I forgot why. I've been in robot mode because I am so crippled with asking "Why is it such an inconvenience for him to help us...". I put chicken on to boil, I changed AK's diaper and put him down for bed, I poured myself a drink, checked my bags for homework, and found myself here.
I always swore that I'd never call SD and beg him to pay child support, something, anything. I always swore I'd handle this on my own. I told myself that I would never in a million years beg him just to help some how...But it's boiling down to that. I have no money and I did not make this child alone. Actually, scratch all that. I will not call and beg him. I will call him, inform him of my situation, and leave it up to him whether or not to act. If he refuses to help me, I'll just have to help myself. I always have, and I always will. I've raised this beautiful, amazing child on my own for nearly two years now and I'm sure this week will not be the breaker.
Mamas, never forget, you can do it somehow, even if you have to type it all out and read it to realize how much you'd let yourself give up. Never, ever give up.
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