So yesterday was the big trip (About 5 hours round trip) to take my son to see SD's step father and mother. It was his second time seeing his grandmother since he saw her for the first time 10 months ago. It was his first time completely meeting SD's step father.
Now to understand the stress here, you have to understand the bullshit that occurred in the past. Months and months ago, SD's step father of whom we will call Jed, was yelling some pretty rude things at me when I was on the phone with SD's mother, of whom we will call Ann. Jed was yelling, asking just obnoxious things like "Ask her if now that she's married if she's going to come back down here and have another baby with (SD's real name)." I got a little...Irritated considering SD has been a complete dick and Jed was acting like the entire situation was my fault, or at least I felt so. I said to Ann "Tell him I said nope, I'm not stupid enough to do that twice." and after she repeated, he started saying how I was the dumb ass that did it in the first place, just really being obnoxious. So, I pretty much basically stopped speaking to Ann all together for about two weeks because I didn't want to deal with his bullshit.
I put it all behind me though, I honestly didn't care anymore. Like I've said before, someone can insult me from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep, but they cannot say anything that hasn't been said before. It seriously does not bother me at this point. But, once you say something about my child? That is when demented, vindictive, asshole bent on tearing you a new one emotionally, and physically comes out. So me and my husband drive down with AK. AK is being of course, awesome. Being a real trooper about the 2 1/2 hour trip thus far. He's a bit awkward around Jed and Ann at first, as were me and my husband since all the mess that happened. Then, Jed asked me "Have you tried to let (SD) see (AK)?"
Me and Ann could both verify that I had. I had offered to meet him halfway and let him see AK, I had offered to meet him halfway, pick him up and allow him to spend the weekend with AK while sleeping on the couch, then drive him back halfway. I had invited him to birthdays, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, dinners at the daycare, and he flaked on every single one. Oh, and I'd also told him if he would just help me with gas and a little extra for maintenance on my car (Like, $10), I was willing to drive the entire distance. Jed nodded his head, and started talking to us very openly and playing with AK. AK struck up a very strong bond with Jed, I was very impressed.
Then Jed decided that they would go pick up SD and meet us at Chuckie Cheese. I was NOT fond of this idea, at all. But Jed really convinced me that SD really just needed the opportunity to be a dad, and I thought maybe now that AK was a little older, maybe SD would be more interested. So I agreed. We left and met up at Chuckie Cheese.
When they got there, me and my husband had a good laugh because Ann told us that SD had been told by Jed and herself that they were going to a tattoo shop and wanted to get a quick meal first. Apparently when they pulled up into the parking lot and parked beside of us, Jed said "(SD), who's that baby in that car beside of us?" SD said "I don't know, why?" Jed said "Because that's YOUR baby." SD had no idea.
SD ignored AK the entire time. SD spent his time following my husband around, trying to rub his new $10.50 an hour job. Thanks for letting me know, I'll be sure to have your Child Support raised, moron. Meanwhile, me, Jed, Ann, and AK were walking around, playing games with AK, putting him on rides, having just an absolute blast. Jed bought $40 worth of tokens, would not let my husband put in a penny.
Then Jed insists that we have dinner with them before we hit the road, which I thought was an excellent idea. AK loved Jed so much, he just was so awesome with him. Jed was the beaming, proud grandpa that acted like he'd been around from day one. I want to cry just thinking about it, it's so amazing. I'm truly so thankful that my son was able to experience having another set of grandparents instead of just the one, I kind of felt like a family, a real family. Plus, we were hungry and we needed to feed AK before we hit the road and I couldn't imagine anyone better to have dinner with than Jed and Ann.
Jed and I sat beside of AK, then Ann and my husband, and SD on the opposite side of the table from AK. He ignored AK again, the entire time. I still had not spoken to SD at this point. I decide to try and put forth effort and say "So, are you going to try to get a car now that your moped broke?" He went on a huge spiel about how he was going to buy another moped and save money, then use the moped as part of the 'trade in' for the car. I quickly realized I had no interest in talking to him, and stopped trying. Then, IB began blowing up SD's phone. She called 3 times, left 1 voicemail, and started texting him in the 15 minutes we had been there. Instead of spending time with his child of whom he had not seen in 10 months, he goes outside to call the girl he'd seen an hour earlier. I fumed. I had to grip the table to keep from getting up, walking outside and just screaming at him. But for Jed and Ann's sake, I decided to be civil. He came back in and said "(IB)'s mad at me." Ann said "Oh well, she'll live." and I mumbled "Hopefully not." It's like everything just went silent a millisecond before I mumbled it. My eyes got huge when I realized everyone at the table heard it. Jed was about to die laughing, my husband was cackling, and Ann was rolling. SD however, stared at the table with a frown. I said "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that...So loud." I then smiled real big at SD and the pissing war began.
He bounced up and ran out two minutes later to speak to IB again, this time longer. Jed, had apologized to me before we left the house for the way he'd acted towards me and explained that he had been terribly misinformed by SD about me and now that he'd met me, his opinion had changed. I told him "You see, this is exactly why he and I had a problem in the first place. He has not seen his son in 10 months and seen this girl an hour ago. Who is he spending time with?" I think Jed understood why I'd been so cold towards SD now because when SD came back inside, sat down and began explaining IB was upset she wasn't invited to eat with the three of them (He did not tell her that me, husband, and AK were there), Jed said "Well I'm sorry, I wanted to actually enjoy my meal." SD was pissed, again.
We parted ways shortly after, but Jed promised me that him and Ann would be coming up to my house to visit AK now, and we could always meet halfway. I absolutely love the thought of it. Ann and Jed are perfect for AK, he adores the both of them. I want him to have my parents, my husband's parents, and Ann and Jed. I love Ann and Jed. This is seriously the best Christmas present I could ask for, just knowing my child has even more family that loves him and cares for him.
However, SD just further reaffirmed the theory of mine. SD is not ready to be a father, nor is he interested in it. It's not just because AK is my child, SD will never be a father and I realize that now. He and IB can have twenty kids and he still will not be a father, he is not capable of it. The fault, the defect, is in SD. It is nothing I have done, nor AK. So I will be filing for full custody, no visitation. However, I plan to keep Ann and Jed in AK's life as much as possible. And after I am awarded full custody, no visitation, I now will definitely feel comfortable enough letting AK spend a weekend with them like Ann has been begging for a year now. I'm finally okay with it.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Aside from SD matters...
Well, I think for once, I'd like to have a post about me, about something I'm going through outside of SD and his situation.
I found out on 12/12/12 that my doctor will not give me the okay to ever conceive another child because of the medical problems I suffered from during and after pregnancy.
Apparently because of my sacroiliac joints being separated and more than likely already developing arthritis, he said that i would probably end up on bed rest at the beginning of my second trimester. Even then, the pain would be excruciating and grow more intense with every little bit of weight the fetus gained. With my sacroiliac joints being separated, he also would not allow me to attempt a VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean) like I wanted to nor would any sane doctor in my state. Then he informed me of the risk of a repeat c-section. He also informed me that with my blood pressure never returning to normal after AK was born after having preeclampsia in the pregnancy, that he was willing to bet money I'd develop it again only more severe. So, here was my options.
A) Conceive. Have three months of walking freedom that would probably be crippled by morning-noon-night sickness, then go on bed rest and spend six months, if I were lucky enough to carry to term on bed rest and be in horrible pain probably leading to me being prescribed a narcotic and drugging my fetus. Then having to be admitted in the High Risk Maternity Ward AGAIN with preeclampsia and stay there until the fetus is born which could mean another premature child that would probably be in the NICU much longer than LO due to a more severe case of preeclampsia.
B) Be responsible for once in my life...Truly responsible for myself, my child, and my family...And have a tubal ligation.
When I chose to keep my son, I promised that I would never knowingly place myself in danger and do my best to stay alive for him unless it was his life at stake. My son can live without a brother, but he cannot live fully without a mother. I chose to schedule the tubal ligation.
My heart broke. I held back tears as I signed the paperwork for them to bill my insurance. I choked as I strapped my son into his car seat. I cried as I drove home.
I want another child. I won't say 'wanted' because I still do. I am only tying my tubes because it is what's best for me and my family. That's what hurts. If I didn't want another child, whatever, they won't be used. But I want another baby, I want another son or a baby girl. I wanted to experience the kicking, the movements, the ultrasounds, the experience of seeing my baby for the first time ever, holding that child and knowing that I gave them life and they were redefining my own. It makes me cry now, just thinking about it.
I know my husband was so dissapointed. AK is not biologically his child as much as we would love to pretend so. He was hoping to give AK a brother or sister, and now he can't because of me. But then, we just...We got on that same level. We talked a little more deeply into adoption and what we were hoping to find in a child, as well as different methods to introduce it to AK. We talked about which characteristics were important, and which ones were not influential to a decision.
But to fully understand why I am not giving in to my whims and refusing the tubal, you must know that I believe everything happens for a reason. While I do not believe in a Christian God, nor a God of any other religion, I do believe that the universe guides us to discover wisdom. On December the 13th, one day after my appointment, I was still feeling horrible. I was on my way to a friend's house with my husband and son, and driving past my grandparent's house. Now, my grandpa almost died over summer, was given a 20% chance of survival and was just released a few months ago. There was an ambulance in the driveway. I pulled in, parked the car, and closed the door. I didn't slam it, at all. And yet the glass in my door shattered. I didn't care, ran in anyway and saw my grandpa sitting at the table, talking. He was fine, his heart rate just rose a little. I was so relieved that he was okay, I didn't and still don't care about the window.
That's what the universe was trying to show me. Why should I allow the things that can't be fixed in my life to influence me so badly that I forget all the things that I'm blessed to have? I shouldn't.
If I'm meant to have another child, then when we're ready to have another child, there will be a child waiting for us. And we will find that child. Maybe I'm not meant to be the person to give birth to that kid, but I am meant to be his or her mother...
Things will be okay.
I found out on 12/12/12 that my doctor will not give me the okay to ever conceive another child because of the medical problems I suffered from during and after pregnancy.
Apparently because of my sacroiliac joints being separated and more than likely already developing arthritis, he said that i would probably end up on bed rest at the beginning of my second trimester. Even then, the pain would be excruciating and grow more intense with every little bit of weight the fetus gained. With my sacroiliac joints being separated, he also would not allow me to attempt a VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean) like I wanted to nor would any sane doctor in my state. Then he informed me of the risk of a repeat c-section. He also informed me that with my blood pressure never returning to normal after AK was born after having preeclampsia in the pregnancy, that he was willing to bet money I'd develop it again only more severe. So, here was my options.
A) Conceive. Have three months of walking freedom that would probably be crippled by morning-noon-night sickness, then go on bed rest and spend six months, if I were lucky enough to carry to term on bed rest and be in horrible pain probably leading to me being prescribed a narcotic and drugging my fetus. Then having to be admitted in the High Risk Maternity Ward AGAIN with preeclampsia and stay there until the fetus is born which could mean another premature child that would probably be in the NICU much longer than LO due to a more severe case of preeclampsia.
B) Be responsible for once in my life...Truly responsible for myself, my child, and my family...And have a tubal ligation.
When I chose to keep my son, I promised that I would never knowingly place myself in danger and do my best to stay alive for him unless it was his life at stake. My son can live without a brother, but he cannot live fully without a mother. I chose to schedule the tubal ligation.
My heart broke. I held back tears as I signed the paperwork for them to bill my insurance. I choked as I strapped my son into his car seat. I cried as I drove home.
I want another child. I won't say 'wanted' because I still do. I am only tying my tubes because it is what's best for me and my family. That's what hurts. If I didn't want another child, whatever, they won't be used. But I want another baby, I want another son or a baby girl. I wanted to experience the kicking, the movements, the ultrasounds, the experience of seeing my baby for the first time ever, holding that child and knowing that I gave them life and they were redefining my own. It makes me cry now, just thinking about it.
I know my husband was so dissapointed. AK is not biologically his child as much as we would love to pretend so. He was hoping to give AK a brother or sister, and now he can't because of me. But then, we just...We got on that same level. We talked a little more deeply into adoption and what we were hoping to find in a child, as well as different methods to introduce it to AK. We talked about which characteristics were important, and which ones were not influential to a decision.
But to fully understand why I am not giving in to my whims and refusing the tubal, you must know that I believe everything happens for a reason. While I do not believe in a Christian God, nor a God of any other religion, I do believe that the universe guides us to discover wisdom. On December the 13th, one day after my appointment, I was still feeling horrible. I was on my way to a friend's house with my husband and son, and driving past my grandparent's house. Now, my grandpa almost died over summer, was given a 20% chance of survival and was just released a few months ago. There was an ambulance in the driveway. I pulled in, parked the car, and closed the door. I didn't slam it, at all. And yet the glass in my door shattered. I didn't care, ran in anyway and saw my grandpa sitting at the table, talking. He was fine, his heart rate just rose a little. I was so relieved that he was okay, I didn't and still don't care about the window.
That's what the universe was trying to show me. Why should I allow the things that can't be fixed in my life to influence me so badly that I forget all the things that I'm blessed to have? I shouldn't.
If I'm meant to have another child, then when we're ready to have another child, there will be a child waiting for us. And we will find that child. Maybe I'm not meant to be the person to give birth to that kid, but I am meant to be his or her mother...
Things will be okay.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Jail, Bail, and Hostility.
Just in case we have any newbies reading...
SD = Sperm Donor, my kid's dad.
AK = Awesome Kid, my child.
IB = Irritating Bitch, SD's girlfriend.
So, Thursday afternoon, I call SD's mom to tell her about the awesome things they're doing for AK at his new daycare. She just happens to mention "Oh yeah, they arrested SD yesterday."
Lol, whut?
Sure enough, apparently Wednesday afternoon, they showed up at IB's house and arrested SD. They also told IB's mother since they were throwing a tantrum that they had until Thursday around noon to post his bail or they would be transporting him to my county, about an hour and a half away. So, guess who posted his $1,300+ bail? Bail that will be going towards his child support? IB's mom, since IB is unemployed and claims to be disabled due to high blood pressure and asthma.
I was in some pretty serious shell shock. I mean, wow. After all this time, they finally got him. And for one night, he was being held responsible. And now, most of his child support is paid up? Too much to process all at once. I won't even lie, I danced, I sang, I gladly did my little victory dance.
But, curiosity got the best of me as usual, and I checked out SD's facebook account from my fake one just to see if he was cursing at me, threatening, etc. I'm not about to pass up something that could really nail his ass in court when I file for full custody, no visitation. While I can't prove it was aimed at me, I know it was, but since I can't directly print it out and say "Look Judge, this is what he said." I left it be. SD posted a photo to his FB after he was bailed out stating "So I heard you've been spreading rumors about me. Good to know you've found something else to spread other than your legs." The flaws to that logic is that in almost three years, my 'legs' have only 'spread' for one person, being my husband. Not that SD can say the same.
So anyways, we have court Monday, which I'm also confused about. When I checked my online C/S case Thursday night, it said that Monday was court for his failure to appear which I did not plan to show up for considering it has nothing to do with the child support, and a hearing was scheduled for 1/14 for failure to comply with a court order (Child Support). But, I checked last night and the hearing for 1/14 has been removed, and Monday is now for failure to comply which means I do need to go. However, SD's mother said that SD got in touch with the case worker (Which I highly freaking doubt, I've been trying to contact that woman 3-4 times a week for 3-4 months with not a single call back, I've even had to go to her supervisor which STILL didn't accomplish anything) and she said that he did not need to show up Monday since IB's mother posted bail. I'm calling shenanigans on the entire situation, so I'm going.
We shall see...And of course, even if it takes me a few days, I will keep you guys updated. Thanks for making the journey with me thus far.
SD = Sperm Donor, my kid's dad.
AK = Awesome Kid, my child.
IB = Irritating Bitch, SD's girlfriend.
So, Thursday afternoon, I call SD's mom to tell her about the awesome things they're doing for AK at his new daycare. She just happens to mention "Oh yeah, they arrested SD yesterday."
Lol, whut?
Sure enough, apparently Wednesday afternoon, they showed up at IB's house and arrested SD. They also told IB's mother since they were throwing a tantrum that they had until Thursday around noon to post his bail or they would be transporting him to my county, about an hour and a half away. So, guess who posted his $1,300+ bail? Bail that will be going towards his child support? IB's mom, since IB is unemployed and claims to be disabled due to high blood pressure and asthma.
I was in some pretty serious shell shock. I mean, wow. After all this time, they finally got him. And for one night, he was being held responsible. And now, most of his child support is paid up? Too much to process all at once. I won't even lie, I danced, I sang, I gladly did my little victory dance.
But, curiosity got the best of me as usual, and I checked out SD's facebook account from my fake one just to see if he was cursing at me, threatening, etc. I'm not about to pass up something that could really nail his ass in court when I file for full custody, no visitation. While I can't prove it was aimed at me, I know it was, but since I can't directly print it out and say "Look Judge, this is what he said." I left it be. SD posted a photo to his FB after he was bailed out stating "So I heard you've been spreading rumors about me. Good to know you've found something else to spread other than your legs." The flaws to that logic is that in almost three years, my 'legs' have only 'spread' for one person, being my husband. Not that SD can say the same.
So anyways, we have court Monday, which I'm also confused about. When I checked my online C/S case Thursday night, it said that Monday was court for his failure to appear which I did not plan to show up for considering it has nothing to do with the child support, and a hearing was scheduled for 1/14 for failure to comply with a court order (Child Support). But, I checked last night and the hearing for 1/14 has been removed, and Monday is now for failure to comply which means I do need to go. However, SD's mother said that SD got in touch with the case worker (Which I highly freaking doubt, I've been trying to contact that woman 3-4 times a week for 3-4 months with not a single call back, I've even had to go to her supervisor which STILL didn't accomplish anything) and she said that he did not need to show up Monday since IB's mother posted bail. I'm calling shenanigans on the entire situation, so I'm going.
We shall see...And of course, even if it takes me a few days, I will keep you guys updated. Thanks for making the journey with me thus far.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Warrants and stress.
Of course, SD did not show up for child support court. No surprise there.
I stayed the entire time, over 3 hours, waiting. The Judge asked if there were any more cases for child support left and I raised my hand. He asked for my name and I stood, saying "I'm here for (SD)." The prosecutor said "He didn't show up." I said "Yes, I'm aware, but I'd like to know what is going to be done about it." He informed me that they would be issuing a warrant for SD's arrest. I walked away from the court house pleased.
When I made it home, I sent SD a message saying, this being a direct copy and paste:
"Hey, you're formally uninvited to AK's birthday party. I've had no trespassing signs placed up around the property, so please don't attempt to show up or trespassing charges will be filed. I heard that you've been talking rather avidly about terminating your rights, and the lesson here is you can't have your cake and eat it to. My son is a human being, not an inconvenience and filing the motion to terminate your own rights will not release you from your child support obligations, only I can file to do that and I'm not doing it... I will not be contacting you again for whatever reason. I will no longer inform you of court dates, nor will I make calls on your behalf to anyone, including the case worker. You're an adult with the means of doing so on your own. Please also refrain from contacting me, as I no longer wish to speak to you. Good luck with everything."
After that, I blocked him. I'm seriously done this time. There is no reason to continue contacting him. He doesn't care about my son, he doesn't love my son, and he doesn't support my son financially or emotionally. Why waste my time?
But tonight, I broke down. I will proudly say that I am a medicinal marijuana smoker. AK did irreversible damage to my body. The relaxin hormone my body produced actually separated my sacroiliac joints and after many trips to both a chiropractor and physical therapists, I was informed that it could not be fixed and eventually arthritis would set up. My choices? Vicodin, a man made narcotic, or taking a few hits off a joint here and there. I chose the non-addictive path. I'm in terrible pain today since I have nothing to smoke, and actually had to pull over from driving because pain was shooting down my right leg to the point I could not apply pressure enough to press the gas and brake pedals.
I finally make it home and as much as I love AK and enjoy his company, when I'm in pain? I'm a totally different person. I can't handle AK when I'm in pain. When he throws his toys at me, it's no longer 'cute'. When he insists to sit on my lap, the extra weight is too much to handle. When he needs something, it's nearly impossible for me to move. So when my beloved AK was throwing giant plastic motorcycles at me, I decided it was time for a nap. I tucked him in and caught myself. I was thinking "I wish SD would take him for a weekend, or even just a few hours so I could rest."
Actually? I don't. I don't want a cocaine addict around my son. But I so wish that SD would stop snorting cocaine and actually be a part of AK's life. Then, I would have no problem in letting him (Not that he wants to) take AK for a weekend or a few hours. I'd love it, I'd enjoy every moment of it. I found myself angry with him, wanting to call him and say "Do you understand what you've done? Do you have the slightest clue what I have sacrificed to bring this child into the world? I sacrificed my health, my ability to walk or stand for more than 30 minutes, my ability to carry things heavier than a few pounds, and yet you can't give up cocaine? Go fuck yourself."
I caught myself before I dialed the phone. As much as I'd love to say it, I won't because that will just open the door for conversation again and as I said earlier, there's no reason to continue speaking to him since his interests are obviously not in my son.
I stayed the entire time, over 3 hours, waiting. The Judge asked if there were any more cases for child support left and I raised my hand. He asked for my name and I stood, saying "I'm here for (SD)." The prosecutor said "He didn't show up." I said "Yes, I'm aware, but I'd like to know what is going to be done about it." He informed me that they would be issuing a warrant for SD's arrest. I walked away from the court house pleased.
When I made it home, I sent SD a message saying, this being a direct copy and paste:
"Hey, you're formally uninvited to AK's birthday party. I've had no trespassing signs placed up around the property, so please don't attempt to show up or trespassing charges will be filed. I heard that you've been talking rather avidly about terminating your rights, and the lesson here is you can't have your cake and eat it to. My son is a human being, not an inconvenience and filing the motion to terminate your own rights will not release you from your child support obligations, only I can file to do that and I'm not doing it... I will not be contacting you again for whatever reason. I will no longer inform you of court dates, nor will I make calls on your behalf to anyone, including the case worker. You're an adult with the means of doing so on your own. Please also refrain from contacting me, as I no longer wish to speak to you. Good luck with everything."
After that, I blocked him. I'm seriously done this time. There is no reason to continue contacting him. He doesn't care about my son, he doesn't love my son, and he doesn't support my son financially or emotionally. Why waste my time?
But tonight, I broke down. I will proudly say that I am a medicinal marijuana smoker. AK did irreversible damage to my body. The relaxin hormone my body produced actually separated my sacroiliac joints and after many trips to both a chiropractor and physical therapists, I was informed that it could not be fixed and eventually arthritis would set up. My choices? Vicodin, a man made narcotic, or taking a few hits off a joint here and there. I chose the non-addictive path. I'm in terrible pain today since I have nothing to smoke, and actually had to pull over from driving because pain was shooting down my right leg to the point I could not apply pressure enough to press the gas and brake pedals.
I finally make it home and as much as I love AK and enjoy his company, when I'm in pain? I'm a totally different person. I can't handle AK when I'm in pain. When he throws his toys at me, it's no longer 'cute'. When he insists to sit on my lap, the extra weight is too much to handle. When he needs something, it's nearly impossible for me to move. So when my beloved AK was throwing giant plastic motorcycles at me, I decided it was time for a nap. I tucked him in and caught myself. I was thinking "I wish SD would take him for a weekend, or even just a few hours so I could rest."
Actually? I don't. I don't want a cocaine addict around my son. But I so wish that SD would stop snorting cocaine and actually be a part of AK's life. Then, I would have no problem in letting him (Not that he wants to) take AK for a weekend or a few hours. I'd love it, I'd enjoy every moment of it. I found myself angry with him, wanting to call him and say "Do you understand what you've done? Do you have the slightest clue what I have sacrificed to bring this child into the world? I sacrificed my health, my ability to walk or stand for more than 30 minutes, my ability to carry things heavier than a few pounds, and yet you can't give up cocaine? Go fuck yourself."
I caught myself before I dialed the phone. As much as I'd love to say it, I won't because that will just open the door for conversation again and as I said earlier, there's no reason to continue speaking to him since his interests are obviously not in my son.
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