I need a break.

Mommas, I'm sure you've all been to that point where you have tried your best to clean your house with a crying baby clinging to you and getting into things between cling sessions. Where you just stare into space trying to console the little banshee in your arms thinking "I need a break." or "Why can't he just help me sometimes?"

I have these moments quite a bit, and the last one is right now. I've spent the entire day cleaning, doing homework, cooking meals, doing dishes, consoling that screaming toddler and trying to keep that same toddler from getting into things he should not be getting in to. Thankfully though, I have my spouse who I can tag out with and have him take over for a few minutes.
But still the lingering thought in your head is "Why can't I rely on SD for help." I thought about this earlier in the week actually. I was driving home from picking AK up from daycare and thought "I'm so tired...I wish SD would take him for a weekend just so I could rest a little." but the immediate after thought was "I wish I could trust SD to take him for a weekend."
You see, two weeks ago I found out something about SD. I called his mother to inform her that my son's surgery went well, of which SD had no interest in but she did. We've grown very close and I am so thankful for that, and she confided something in me. She said "T, do you remember last week when I was on SD's case about not paying child support?" I remembered it very well, so I said yes and asked why. "Well...I kept asking him where his money was going, where and he said that he was still on cocaine."
This is news to me, considering I never knew he'd done cocaine at all. Apparently, this was a 3 year ongoing thing and it's still going on. Apparently IB wasn't getting all of his money, but still a large chunk while the other is going up his nose. Of course I was surprised, and honestly I'd lost all faith in him even though there wasn't much left to lose.
So now as my break grows to a close, I just want to say this. Mommas, I know that you get tired and you want a break, we all do. I know that you just want to pick up that phone, call then and scream at them for not helping. I know that you are angry that you are saddled with all the responsibility while your sperm donor runs free but just remember this. Your child will remember all of the times you were there, and he wasn't. They'll remember all of the good times, the bad times, the funny times, and the sad times and you'll be closer for it. You deserve a break though, so when that time comes where you feel that you're about to fizzle out, reach out. Call a friend, your parents, your grand parents, any source that you have left and ask for help and more than likely, they'll be willing.