So yesterday was the big trip (About 5 hours round trip) to take my son to see SD's step father and mother. It was his second time seeing his grandmother since he saw her for the first time 10 months ago. It was his first time completely meeting SD's step father.
Now to understand the stress here, you have to understand the bullshit that occurred in the past. Months and months ago, SD's step father of whom we will call Jed, was yelling some pretty rude things at me when I was on the phone with SD's mother, of whom we will call Ann. Jed was yelling, asking just obnoxious things like "Ask her if now that she's married if she's going to come back down here and have another baby with (SD's real name)." I got a little...Irritated considering SD has been a complete dick and Jed was acting like the entire situation was my fault, or at least I felt so. I said to Ann "Tell him I said nope, I'm not stupid enough to do that twice." and after she repeated, he started saying how I was the dumb ass that did it in the first place, just really being obnoxious. So, I pretty much basically stopped speaking to Ann all together for about two weeks because I didn't want to deal with his bullshit.
I put it all behind me though, I honestly didn't care anymore. Like I've said before, someone can insult me from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep, but they cannot say anything that hasn't been said before. It seriously does not bother me at this point. But, once you say something about my child? That is when demented, vindictive, asshole bent on tearing you a new one emotionally, and physically comes out. So me and my husband drive down with AK. AK is being of course, awesome. Being a real trooper about the 2 1/2 hour trip thus far. He's a bit awkward around Jed and Ann at first, as were me and my husband since all the mess that happened. Then, Jed asked me "Have you tried to let (SD) see (AK)?"
Me and Ann could both verify that I had. I had offered to meet him halfway and let him see AK, I had offered to meet him halfway, pick him up and allow him to spend the weekend with AK while sleeping on the couch, then drive him back halfway. I had invited him to birthdays, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, dinners at the daycare, and he flaked on every single one. Oh, and I'd also told him if he would just help me with gas and a little extra for maintenance on my car (Like, $10), I was willing to drive the entire distance. Jed nodded his head, and started talking to us very openly and playing with AK. AK struck up a very strong bond with Jed, I was very impressed.
Then Jed decided that they would go pick up SD and meet us at Chuckie Cheese. I was NOT fond of this idea, at all. But Jed really convinced me that SD really just needed the opportunity to be a dad, and I thought maybe now that AK was a little older, maybe SD would be more interested. So I agreed. We left and met up at Chuckie Cheese.
When they got there, me and my husband had a good laugh because Ann told us that SD had been told by Jed and herself that they were going to a tattoo shop and wanted to get a quick meal first. Apparently when they pulled up into the parking lot and parked beside of us, Jed said "(SD), who's that baby in that car beside of us?" SD said "I don't know, why?" Jed said "Because that's YOUR baby." SD had no idea.
SD ignored AK the entire time. SD spent his time following my husband around, trying to rub his new $10.50 an hour job. Thanks for letting me know, I'll be sure to have your Child Support raised, moron. Meanwhile, me, Jed, Ann, and AK were walking around, playing games with AK, putting him on rides, having just an absolute blast. Jed bought $40 worth of tokens, would not let my husband put in a penny.
Then Jed insists that we have dinner with them before we hit the road, which I thought was an excellent idea. AK loved Jed so much, he just was so awesome with him. Jed was the beaming, proud grandpa that acted like he'd been around from day one. I want to cry just thinking about it, it's so amazing. I'm truly so thankful that my son was able to experience having another set of grandparents instead of just the one, I kind of felt like a family, a real family. Plus, we were hungry and we needed to feed AK before we hit the road and I couldn't imagine anyone better to have dinner with than Jed and Ann.
Jed and I sat beside of AK, then Ann and my husband, and SD on the opposite side of the table from AK. He ignored AK again, the entire time. I still had not spoken to SD at this point. I decide to try and put forth effort and say "So, are you going to try to get a car now that your moped broke?" He went on a huge spiel about how he was going to buy another moped and save money, then use the moped as part of the 'trade in' for the car. I quickly realized I had no interest in talking to him, and stopped trying. Then, IB began blowing up SD's phone. She called 3 times, left 1 voicemail, and started texting him in the 15 minutes we had been there. Instead of spending time with his child of whom he had not seen in 10 months, he goes outside to call the girl he'd seen an hour earlier. I fumed. I had to grip the table to keep from getting up, walking outside and just screaming at him. But for Jed and Ann's sake, I decided to be civil. He came back in and said "(IB)'s mad at me." Ann said "Oh well, she'll live." and I mumbled "Hopefully not." It's like everything just went silent a millisecond before I mumbled it. My eyes got huge when I realized everyone at the table heard it. Jed was about to die laughing, my husband was cackling, and Ann was rolling. SD however, stared at the table with a frown. I said "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that...So loud." I then smiled real big at SD and the pissing war began.
He bounced up and ran out two minutes later to speak to IB again, this time longer. Jed, had apologized to me before we left the house for the way he'd acted towards me and explained that he had been terribly misinformed by SD about me and now that he'd met me, his opinion had changed. I told him "You see, this is exactly why he and I had a problem in the first place. He has not seen his son in 10 months and seen this girl an hour ago. Who is he spending time with?" I think Jed understood why I'd been so cold towards SD now because when SD came back inside, sat down and began explaining IB was upset she wasn't invited to eat with the three of them (He did not tell her that me, husband, and AK were there), Jed said "Well I'm sorry, I wanted to actually enjoy my meal." SD was pissed, again.
We parted ways shortly after, but Jed promised me that him and Ann would be coming up to my house to visit AK now, and we could always meet halfway. I absolutely love the thought of it. Ann and Jed are perfect for AK, he adores the both of them. I want him to have my parents, my husband's parents, and Ann and Jed. I love Ann and Jed. This is seriously the best Christmas present I could ask for, just knowing my child has even more family that loves him and cares for him.
However, SD just further reaffirmed the theory of mine. SD is not ready to be a father, nor is he interested in it. It's not just because AK is my child, SD will never be a father and I realize that now. He and IB can have twenty kids and he still will not be a father, he is not capable of it. The fault, the defect, is in SD. It is nothing I have done, nor AK. So I will be filing for full custody, no visitation. However, I plan to keep Ann and Jed in AK's life as much as possible. And after I am awarded full custody, no visitation, I now will definitely feel comfortable enough letting AK spend a weekend with them like Ann has been begging for a year now. I'm finally okay with it.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Aside from SD matters...
Well, I think for once, I'd like to have a post about me, about something I'm going through outside of SD and his situation.
I found out on 12/12/12 that my doctor will not give me the okay to ever conceive another child because of the medical problems I suffered from during and after pregnancy.
Apparently because of my sacroiliac joints being separated and more than likely already developing arthritis, he said that i would probably end up on bed rest at the beginning of my second trimester. Even then, the pain would be excruciating and grow more intense with every little bit of weight the fetus gained. With my sacroiliac joints being separated, he also would not allow me to attempt a VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean) like I wanted to nor would any sane doctor in my state. Then he informed me of the risk of a repeat c-section. He also informed me that with my blood pressure never returning to normal after AK was born after having preeclampsia in the pregnancy, that he was willing to bet money I'd develop it again only more severe. So, here was my options.
A) Conceive. Have three months of walking freedom that would probably be crippled by morning-noon-night sickness, then go on bed rest and spend six months, if I were lucky enough to carry to term on bed rest and be in horrible pain probably leading to me being prescribed a narcotic and drugging my fetus. Then having to be admitted in the High Risk Maternity Ward AGAIN with preeclampsia and stay there until the fetus is born which could mean another premature child that would probably be in the NICU much longer than LO due to a more severe case of preeclampsia.
B) Be responsible for once in my life...Truly responsible for myself, my child, and my family...And have a tubal ligation.
When I chose to keep my son, I promised that I would never knowingly place myself in danger and do my best to stay alive for him unless it was his life at stake. My son can live without a brother, but he cannot live fully without a mother. I chose to schedule the tubal ligation.
My heart broke. I held back tears as I signed the paperwork for them to bill my insurance. I choked as I strapped my son into his car seat. I cried as I drove home.
I want another child. I won't say 'wanted' because I still do. I am only tying my tubes because it is what's best for me and my family. That's what hurts. If I didn't want another child, whatever, they won't be used. But I want another baby, I want another son or a baby girl. I wanted to experience the kicking, the movements, the ultrasounds, the experience of seeing my baby for the first time ever, holding that child and knowing that I gave them life and they were redefining my own. It makes me cry now, just thinking about it.
I know my husband was so dissapointed. AK is not biologically his child as much as we would love to pretend so. He was hoping to give AK a brother or sister, and now he can't because of me. But then, we just...We got on that same level. We talked a little more deeply into adoption and what we were hoping to find in a child, as well as different methods to introduce it to AK. We talked about which characteristics were important, and which ones were not influential to a decision.
But to fully understand why I am not giving in to my whims and refusing the tubal, you must know that I believe everything happens for a reason. While I do not believe in a Christian God, nor a God of any other religion, I do believe that the universe guides us to discover wisdom. On December the 13th, one day after my appointment, I was still feeling horrible. I was on my way to a friend's house with my husband and son, and driving past my grandparent's house. Now, my grandpa almost died over summer, was given a 20% chance of survival and was just released a few months ago. There was an ambulance in the driveway. I pulled in, parked the car, and closed the door. I didn't slam it, at all. And yet the glass in my door shattered. I didn't care, ran in anyway and saw my grandpa sitting at the table, talking. He was fine, his heart rate just rose a little. I was so relieved that he was okay, I didn't and still don't care about the window.
That's what the universe was trying to show me. Why should I allow the things that can't be fixed in my life to influence me so badly that I forget all the things that I'm blessed to have? I shouldn't.
If I'm meant to have another child, then when we're ready to have another child, there will be a child waiting for us. And we will find that child. Maybe I'm not meant to be the person to give birth to that kid, but I am meant to be his or her mother...
Things will be okay.
I found out on 12/12/12 that my doctor will not give me the okay to ever conceive another child because of the medical problems I suffered from during and after pregnancy.
Apparently because of my sacroiliac joints being separated and more than likely already developing arthritis, he said that i would probably end up on bed rest at the beginning of my second trimester. Even then, the pain would be excruciating and grow more intense with every little bit of weight the fetus gained. With my sacroiliac joints being separated, he also would not allow me to attempt a VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean) like I wanted to nor would any sane doctor in my state. Then he informed me of the risk of a repeat c-section. He also informed me that with my blood pressure never returning to normal after AK was born after having preeclampsia in the pregnancy, that he was willing to bet money I'd develop it again only more severe. So, here was my options.
A) Conceive. Have three months of walking freedom that would probably be crippled by morning-noon-night sickness, then go on bed rest and spend six months, if I were lucky enough to carry to term on bed rest and be in horrible pain probably leading to me being prescribed a narcotic and drugging my fetus. Then having to be admitted in the High Risk Maternity Ward AGAIN with preeclampsia and stay there until the fetus is born which could mean another premature child that would probably be in the NICU much longer than LO due to a more severe case of preeclampsia.
B) Be responsible for once in my life...Truly responsible for myself, my child, and my family...And have a tubal ligation.
When I chose to keep my son, I promised that I would never knowingly place myself in danger and do my best to stay alive for him unless it was his life at stake. My son can live without a brother, but he cannot live fully without a mother. I chose to schedule the tubal ligation.
My heart broke. I held back tears as I signed the paperwork for them to bill my insurance. I choked as I strapped my son into his car seat. I cried as I drove home.
I want another child. I won't say 'wanted' because I still do. I am only tying my tubes because it is what's best for me and my family. That's what hurts. If I didn't want another child, whatever, they won't be used. But I want another baby, I want another son or a baby girl. I wanted to experience the kicking, the movements, the ultrasounds, the experience of seeing my baby for the first time ever, holding that child and knowing that I gave them life and they were redefining my own. It makes me cry now, just thinking about it.
I know my husband was so dissapointed. AK is not biologically his child as much as we would love to pretend so. He was hoping to give AK a brother or sister, and now he can't because of me. But then, we just...We got on that same level. We talked a little more deeply into adoption and what we were hoping to find in a child, as well as different methods to introduce it to AK. We talked about which characteristics were important, and which ones were not influential to a decision.
But to fully understand why I am not giving in to my whims and refusing the tubal, you must know that I believe everything happens for a reason. While I do not believe in a Christian God, nor a God of any other religion, I do believe that the universe guides us to discover wisdom. On December the 13th, one day after my appointment, I was still feeling horrible. I was on my way to a friend's house with my husband and son, and driving past my grandparent's house. Now, my grandpa almost died over summer, was given a 20% chance of survival and was just released a few months ago. There was an ambulance in the driveway. I pulled in, parked the car, and closed the door. I didn't slam it, at all. And yet the glass in my door shattered. I didn't care, ran in anyway and saw my grandpa sitting at the table, talking. He was fine, his heart rate just rose a little. I was so relieved that he was okay, I didn't and still don't care about the window.
That's what the universe was trying to show me. Why should I allow the things that can't be fixed in my life to influence me so badly that I forget all the things that I'm blessed to have? I shouldn't.
If I'm meant to have another child, then when we're ready to have another child, there will be a child waiting for us. And we will find that child. Maybe I'm not meant to be the person to give birth to that kid, but I am meant to be his or her mother...
Things will be okay.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Jail, Bail, and Hostility.
Just in case we have any newbies reading...
SD = Sperm Donor, my kid's dad.
AK = Awesome Kid, my child.
IB = Irritating Bitch, SD's girlfriend.
So, Thursday afternoon, I call SD's mom to tell her about the awesome things they're doing for AK at his new daycare. She just happens to mention "Oh yeah, they arrested SD yesterday."
Lol, whut?
Sure enough, apparently Wednesday afternoon, they showed up at IB's house and arrested SD. They also told IB's mother since they were throwing a tantrum that they had until Thursday around noon to post his bail or they would be transporting him to my county, about an hour and a half away. So, guess who posted his $1,300+ bail? Bail that will be going towards his child support? IB's mom, since IB is unemployed and claims to be disabled due to high blood pressure and asthma.
I was in some pretty serious shell shock. I mean, wow. After all this time, they finally got him. And for one night, he was being held responsible. And now, most of his child support is paid up? Too much to process all at once. I won't even lie, I danced, I sang, I gladly did my little victory dance.
But, curiosity got the best of me as usual, and I checked out SD's facebook account from my fake one just to see if he was cursing at me, threatening, etc. I'm not about to pass up something that could really nail his ass in court when I file for full custody, no visitation. While I can't prove it was aimed at me, I know it was, but since I can't directly print it out and say "Look Judge, this is what he said." I left it be. SD posted a photo to his FB after he was bailed out stating "So I heard you've been spreading rumors about me. Good to know you've found something else to spread other than your legs." The flaws to that logic is that in almost three years, my 'legs' have only 'spread' for one person, being my husband. Not that SD can say the same.
So anyways, we have court Monday, which I'm also confused about. When I checked my online C/S case Thursday night, it said that Monday was court for his failure to appear which I did not plan to show up for considering it has nothing to do with the child support, and a hearing was scheduled for 1/14 for failure to comply with a court order (Child Support). But, I checked last night and the hearing for 1/14 has been removed, and Monday is now for failure to comply which means I do need to go. However, SD's mother said that SD got in touch with the case worker (Which I highly freaking doubt, I've been trying to contact that woman 3-4 times a week for 3-4 months with not a single call back, I've even had to go to her supervisor which STILL didn't accomplish anything) and she said that he did not need to show up Monday since IB's mother posted bail. I'm calling shenanigans on the entire situation, so I'm going.
We shall see...And of course, even if it takes me a few days, I will keep you guys updated. Thanks for making the journey with me thus far.
SD = Sperm Donor, my kid's dad.
AK = Awesome Kid, my child.
IB = Irritating Bitch, SD's girlfriend.
So, Thursday afternoon, I call SD's mom to tell her about the awesome things they're doing for AK at his new daycare. She just happens to mention "Oh yeah, they arrested SD yesterday."
Lol, whut?
Sure enough, apparently Wednesday afternoon, they showed up at IB's house and arrested SD. They also told IB's mother since they were throwing a tantrum that they had until Thursday around noon to post his bail or they would be transporting him to my county, about an hour and a half away. So, guess who posted his $1,300+ bail? Bail that will be going towards his child support? IB's mom, since IB is unemployed and claims to be disabled due to high blood pressure and asthma.
I was in some pretty serious shell shock. I mean, wow. After all this time, they finally got him. And for one night, he was being held responsible. And now, most of his child support is paid up? Too much to process all at once. I won't even lie, I danced, I sang, I gladly did my little victory dance.
But, curiosity got the best of me as usual, and I checked out SD's facebook account from my fake one just to see if he was cursing at me, threatening, etc. I'm not about to pass up something that could really nail his ass in court when I file for full custody, no visitation. While I can't prove it was aimed at me, I know it was, but since I can't directly print it out and say "Look Judge, this is what he said." I left it be. SD posted a photo to his FB after he was bailed out stating "So I heard you've been spreading rumors about me. Good to know you've found something else to spread other than your legs." The flaws to that logic is that in almost three years, my 'legs' have only 'spread' for one person, being my husband. Not that SD can say the same.
So anyways, we have court Monday, which I'm also confused about. When I checked my online C/S case Thursday night, it said that Monday was court for his failure to appear which I did not plan to show up for considering it has nothing to do with the child support, and a hearing was scheduled for 1/14 for failure to comply with a court order (Child Support). But, I checked last night and the hearing for 1/14 has been removed, and Monday is now for failure to comply which means I do need to go. However, SD's mother said that SD got in touch with the case worker (Which I highly freaking doubt, I've been trying to contact that woman 3-4 times a week for 3-4 months with not a single call back, I've even had to go to her supervisor which STILL didn't accomplish anything) and she said that he did not need to show up Monday since IB's mother posted bail. I'm calling shenanigans on the entire situation, so I'm going.
We shall see...And of course, even if it takes me a few days, I will keep you guys updated. Thanks for making the journey with me thus far.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Warrants and stress.
Of course, SD did not show up for child support court. No surprise there.
I stayed the entire time, over 3 hours, waiting. The Judge asked if there were any more cases for child support left and I raised my hand. He asked for my name and I stood, saying "I'm here for (SD)." The prosecutor said "He didn't show up." I said "Yes, I'm aware, but I'd like to know what is going to be done about it." He informed me that they would be issuing a warrant for SD's arrest. I walked away from the court house pleased.
When I made it home, I sent SD a message saying, this being a direct copy and paste:
"Hey, you're formally uninvited to AK's birthday party. I've had no trespassing signs placed up around the property, so please don't attempt to show up or trespassing charges will be filed. I heard that you've been talking rather avidly about terminating your rights, and the lesson here is you can't have your cake and eat it to. My son is a human being, not an inconvenience and filing the motion to terminate your own rights will not release you from your child support obligations, only I can file to do that and I'm not doing it... I will not be contacting you again for whatever reason. I will no longer inform you of court dates, nor will I make calls on your behalf to anyone, including the case worker. You're an adult with the means of doing so on your own. Please also refrain from contacting me, as I no longer wish to speak to you. Good luck with everything."
After that, I blocked him. I'm seriously done this time. There is no reason to continue contacting him. He doesn't care about my son, he doesn't love my son, and he doesn't support my son financially or emotionally. Why waste my time?
But tonight, I broke down. I will proudly say that I am a medicinal marijuana smoker. AK did irreversible damage to my body. The relaxin hormone my body produced actually separated my sacroiliac joints and after many trips to both a chiropractor and physical therapists, I was informed that it could not be fixed and eventually arthritis would set up. My choices? Vicodin, a man made narcotic, or taking a few hits off a joint here and there. I chose the non-addictive path. I'm in terrible pain today since I have nothing to smoke, and actually had to pull over from driving because pain was shooting down my right leg to the point I could not apply pressure enough to press the gas and brake pedals.
I finally make it home and as much as I love AK and enjoy his company, when I'm in pain? I'm a totally different person. I can't handle AK when I'm in pain. When he throws his toys at me, it's no longer 'cute'. When he insists to sit on my lap, the extra weight is too much to handle. When he needs something, it's nearly impossible for me to move. So when my beloved AK was throwing giant plastic motorcycles at me, I decided it was time for a nap. I tucked him in and caught myself. I was thinking "I wish SD would take him for a weekend, or even just a few hours so I could rest."
Actually? I don't. I don't want a cocaine addict around my son. But I so wish that SD would stop snorting cocaine and actually be a part of AK's life. Then, I would have no problem in letting him (Not that he wants to) take AK for a weekend or a few hours. I'd love it, I'd enjoy every moment of it. I found myself angry with him, wanting to call him and say "Do you understand what you've done? Do you have the slightest clue what I have sacrificed to bring this child into the world? I sacrificed my health, my ability to walk or stand for more than 30 minutes, my ability to carry things heavier than a few pounds, and yet you can't give up cocaine? Go fuck yourself."
I caught myself before I dialed the phone. As much as I'd love to say it, I won't because that will just open the door for conversation again and as I said earlier, there's no reason to continue speaking to him since his interests are obviously not in my son.
I stayed the entire time, over 3 hours, waiting. The Judge asked if there were any more cases for child support left and I raised my hand. He asked for my name and I stood, saying "I'm here for (SD)." The prosecutor said "He didn't show up." I said "Yes, I'm aware, but I'd like to know what is going to be done about it." He informed me that they would be issuing a warrant for SD's arrest. I walked away from the court house pleased.
When I made it home, I sent SD a message saying, this being a direct copy and paste:
"Hey, you're formally uninvited to AK's birthday party. I've had no trespassing signs placed up around the property, so please don't attempt to show up or trespassing charges will be filed. I heard that you've been talking rather avidly about terminating your rights, and the lesson here is you can't have your cake and eat it to. My son is a human being, not an inconvenience and filing the motion to terminate your own rights will not release you from your child support obligations, only I can file to do that and I'm not doing it... I will not be contacting you again for whatever reason. I will no longer inform you of court dates, nor will I make calls on your behalf to anyone, including the case worker. You're an adult with the means of doing so on your own. Please also refrain from contacting me, as I no longer wish to speak to you. Good luck with everything."
After that, I blocked him. I'm seriously done this time. There is no reason to continue contacting him. He doesn't care about my son, he doesn't love my son, and he doesn't support my son financially or emotionally. Why waste my time?
But tonight, I broke down. I will proudly say that I am a medicinal marijuana smoker. AK did irreversible damage to my body. The relaxin hormone my body produced actually separated my sacroiliac joints and after many trips to both a chiropractor and physical therapists, I was informed that it could not be fixed and eventually arthritis would set up. My choices? Vicodin, a man made narcotic, or taking a few hits off a joint here and there. I chose the non-addictive path. I'm in terrible pain today since I have nothing to smoke, and actually had to pull over from driving because pain was shooting down my right leg to the point I could not apply pressure enough to press the gas and brake pedals.
I finally make it home and as much as I love AK and enjoy his company, when I'm in pain? I'm a totally different person. I can't handle AK when I'm in pain. When he throws his toys at me, it's no longer 'cute'. When he insists to sit on my lap, the extra weight is too much to handle. When he needs something, it's nearly impossible for me to move. So when my beloved AK was throwing giant plastic motorcycles at me, I decided it was time for a nap. I tucked him in and caught myself. I was thinking "I wish SD would take him for a weekend, or even just a few hours so I could rest."
Actually? I don't. I don't want a cocaine addict around my son. But I so wish that SD would stop snorting cocaine and actually be a part of AK's life. Then, I would have no problem in letting him (Not that he wants to) take AK for a weekend or a few hours. I'd love it, I'd enjoy every moment of it. I found myself angry with him, wanting to call him and say "Do you understand what you've done? Do you have the slightest clue what I have sacrificed to bring this child into the world? I sacrificed my health, my ability to walk or stand for more than 30 minutes, my ability to carry things heavier than a few pounds, and yet you can't give up cocaine? Go fuck yourself."
I caught myself before I dialed the phone. As much as I'd love to say it, I won't because that will just open the door for conversation again and as I said earlier, there's no reason to continue speaking to him since his interests are obviously not in my son.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Nervous.
Well, it's official, court is tomorrow for SD's failure to comply with a court order, child support.
I'm practically dying from nerves. I spoke to another mother in my state who said that she was in the same situation with her child's father and they will do one of three things: 1) Tell him to pay X amount by 5PM (She said in my case, it'd probably be around $250) and if he fails, he goes to jail. 2) Take him directly to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. 3) Set an order to garnish his wages. Though through a little of my own investigating, I found out that my state also suspends licenses from business, to drivers, to fishing.
I'm praying they will do something that will get his attention and not just give him another slap on the wrist as they always have. If they do something serious, he's going to figure out "Oh hey, I can't just get away with it, there are repercussions." and I can expect fairly regular payments. Though I've been let down by the court systems here before, I may be let down again.
Anyhow, I'm also nervous about seeing him, the dreaded SD. I keep playing scenarios over in my head and they're always so extreme, like him. Either he won't show up, or he will and just won't speak to me period because he believes that all this is my fault. Or he'll show up and try to be super nice thinking that I don't know he's wanting to terminate, and ask to see my son. Or he'll show up and be a complete dick about the entire situation.
Well, I've already gotten it all planned. You see, I am a woman who is pissed. Thursday, he had the nerve to message my husband's Facebook account and tell him to have me call the Judge and have the Judge call him so he can explain that he can't make it to court because he's sick and has no ride. I was livid. You have a phone with internet access and a computer with internet access, but you can't google a fucking number and call it yourself? Oh my, I was about cross eyed. Of course I message him back and tell him to do it himself, and that they won't continue court because he's sick and can't find a ride, they'll tell him to get a cab, but good luck anyways.
So at court, I plan to tell him, if he even shows, what needs to be said.
1) Do not show up at AK's party. If you want to terminate your rights, you don't get to have your cake an eat it too, I'll have you arrested for trespassing.
2) Don't ever ask me to do something for you again. I've been in need so many times and begged for help, and you blew me off. Do it yourself from now on. Call your own public aid attorney, call your own Judge, and call your own prosecutor, call your own case worker. I'm done doing it for you.
3) Don't ever contact me again. You can't respect me, and you can't respect my child, so don't call. You want to terminate your rights? Don't expect for me to be a friend afterwards.
And then I plan to walk away. If he says something, ignore him. Keep walking. If he tries to instigate a fight, walk away. I'm done saying what I have to say, why would I stick around any longer?
I just hope so badly that they do something to help my son, it's hard to provide for him alone.
I'm practically dying from nerves. I spoke to another mother in my state who said that she was in the same situation with her child's father and they will do one of three things: 1) Tell him to pay X amount by 5PM (She said in my case, it'd probably be around $250) and if he fails, he goes to jail. 2) Take him directly to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. 3) Set an order to garnish his wages. Though through a little of my own investigating, I found out that my state also suspends licenses from business, to drivers, to fishing.
I'm praying they will do something that will get his attention and not just give him another slap on the wrist as they always have. If they do something serious, he's going to figure out "Oh hey, I can't just get away with it, there are repercussions." and I can expect fairly regular payments. Though I've been let down by the court systems here before, I may be let down again.
Anyhow, I'm also nervous about seeing him, the dreaded SD. I keep playing scenarios over in my head and they're always so extreme, like him. Either he won't show up, or he will and just won't speak to me period because he believes that all this is my fault. Or he'll show up and try to be super nice thinking that I don't know he's wanting to terminate, and ask to see my son. Or he'll show up and be a complete dick about the entire situation.
Well, I've already gotten it all planned. You see, I am a woman who is pissed. Thursday, he had the nerve to message my husband's Facebook account and tell him to have me call the Judge and have the Judge call him so he can explain that he can't make it to court because he's sick and has no ride. I was livid. You have a phone with internet access and a computer with internet access, but you can't google a fucking number and call it yourself? Oh my, I was about cross eyed. Of course I message him back and tell him to do it himself, and that they won't continue court because he's sick and can't find a ride, they'll tell him to get a cab, but good luck anyways.
So at court, I plan to tell him, if he even shows, what needs to be said.
1) Do not show up at AK's party. If you want to terminate your rights, you don't get to have your cake an eat it too, I'll have you arrested for trespassing.
2) Don't ever ask me to do something for you again. I've been in need so many times and begged for help, and you blew me off. Do it yourself from now on. Call your own public aid attorney, call your own Judge, and call your own prosecutor, call your own case worker. I'm done doing it for you.
3) Don't ever contact me again. You can't respect me, and you can't respect my child, so don't call. You want to terminate your rights? Don't expect for me to be a friend afterwards.
And then I plan to walk away. If he says something, ignore him. Keep walking. If he tries to instigate a fight, walk away. I'm done saying what I have to say, why would I stick around any longer?
I just hope so badly that they do something to help my son, it's hard to provide for him alone.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Court, Child Support, and Drama.
Two nights ago, I spoke to SD's mother on the phone for the first time in a few weeks since she'd switched phone companies. We were catching up on everything, she asked what happened when I tried to call and ask SD for her cell number when I was worried that her aneurism ruptured which is a story all it's own, and we got on the subject of court.
I found out shortly after my last post when SD told me that he wasn't going to give me a dime in child support, even after I told him I couldn't afford gas to get me to school, AK to daycare, or AK a pack of diapers, that we have court on the 19th of this month. Monday, actually. He's being charged with failure to comply with a court order. You guessed it, that court order is child support. I'm thrilled that something is being done, anything at all considering he is literally $1,497.00 behind, AKA $1,500 (I round up).
So, we're talking about court, I'm telling her how excited I am and she's telling me that he said he's not going to court. I laughed it off and said "Well, I hope he enjoys a bench warrant and the knowledge that the judge will make a ruling in his presence just as easily as his absence, so he's only hurting himself." And then she went on to say something that shook me hard. "Yeah, and he was talking about terminating his rights last week."
Ouch. Really? At first I was mad and said "Absolutely not, I won't allow it, he's going to have to be a man and pay child support." and then I just got really, really sad. I started thinking "Wow...So he'd rather keep $187 in his pocket every month than to have an emotional, physical, or legal bond with my son?" and eventually, I began thinking "Well fine, if that's the way it is, I'm going to call him and tell him if he'll pay for the lawyer, I'll agree to let him terminate."
That ultimate decision weighed heavy on me all day yesterday. Focusing was completely out of the question in all of my classes and got so bad in my last class that I just laid my head down on the desk and would make frequent trips to the bathroom to try and keep myself from crying. It hurts to know that the child you'd lay your life down for is so meaningless to someone who should love them just as hard. I kept wondering what I'd done to make him hate my son, what I could have done differently, why he hated my son, just...Why.
So, I had lunch with a friend who is wise beyond her years and explain the situation. She tells me that when she encountered something similar, she was advised not to allow termination and to just take him for everything she could because those were his kids too. Then I mentioned to her that a friend was asking if they were going to garnish his wages Monday and I mentioned they'd have to do a court order, which they could and may do.
So far, I've decided to wait til Monday. If they garnish his wages, awesome. But he won't be coming to my son's birthday party which is in two weeks since he wants to terminate. In fact, if he wants to see this child, he can take me to court. I'm done. He's had two years to be a part of his life financially, emotionally, or physically and has failed on all accounts.
I found out shortly after my last post when SD told me that he wasn't going to give me a dime in child support, even after I told him I couldn't afford gas to get me to school, AK to daycare, or AK a pack of diapers, that we have court on the 19th of this month. Monday, actually. He's being charged with failure to comply with a court order. You guessed it, that court order is child support. I'm thrilled that something is being done, anything at all considering he is literally $1,497.00 behind, AKA $1,500 (I round up).
So, we're talking about court, I'm telling her how excited I am and she's telling me that he said he's not going to court. I laughed it off and said "Well, I hope he enjoys a bench warrant and the knowledge that the judge will make a ruling in his presence just as easily as his absence, so he's only hurting himself." And then she went on to say something that shook me hard. "Yeah, and he was talking about terminating his rights last week."
Ouch. Really? At first I was mad and said "Absolutely not, I won't allow it, he's going to have to be a man and pay child support." and then I just got really, really sad. I started thinking "Wow...So he'd rather keep $187 in his pocket every month than to have an emotional, physical, or legal bond with my son?" and eventually, I began thinking "Well fine, if that's the way it is, I'm going to call him and tell him if he'll pay for the lawyer, I'll agree to let him terminate."
That ultimate decision weighed heavy on me all day yesterday. Focusing was completely out of the question in all of my classes and got so bad in my last class that I just laid my head down on the desk and would make frequent trips to the bathroom to try and keep myself from crying. It hurts to know that the child you'd lay your life down for is so meaningless to someone who should love them just as hard. I kept wondering what I'd done to make him hate my son, what I could have done differently, why he hated my son, just...Why.
So, I had lunch with a friend who is wise beyond her years and explain the situation. She tells me that when she encountered something similar, she was advised not to allow termination and to just take him for everything she could because those were his kids too. Then I mentioned to her that a friend was asking if they were going to garnish his wages Monday and I mentioned they'd have to do a court order, which they could and may do.
So far, I've decided to wait til Monday. If they garnish his wages, awesome. But he won't be coming to my son's birthday party which is in two weeks since he wants to terminate. In fact, if he wants to see this child, he can take me to court. I'm done. He's had two years to be a part of his life financially, emotionally, or physically and has failed on all accounts.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Even the strong grow weary.
Today has been one of those days where I'd just rather crawl back into bed and forget the entire world.
Things were going fine, not great nor bad, but fine up until I picked AK up from daycare. He had not napped today since he was working with the speech therapist who makes visits. This meant I got to deal with a fussy baby on the ride home and pray that if I put him down for a nap, he'd take one. My prayers went unanswered as I spent almost an hour trying to lay him down to sleep. I gave in and let him stay awake. Though, this is not a normal fussy, this is the teething fussy which I'm sure so many of you are aware of. And not just any teething, oh no, we're talking molars.
I tried and tried for hours to calm him and even thought maybe a car ride would soothe the beast, but as I dropped my husband off at work for his shift and still had a screaming child, I realized that was a no go. I incorporated his great grandmother into the equation and tried to see if she could calm him with the massive explosion of toys she'd been stashing for him, and no. I came home and called my neighbor who also happens to be my mother and begged her to meet me at home. He threw his head back, made his body go rigid and shrieked like I'd began to skin him alive just by getting him out of the carseat...My mother tried, and tried, and tried to make him calm again until I was on the floor myself crying. That's right ladies, I broke.
I was needing to pay a small bill and went by the ATM to withdraw some money on the way home and discovered I only have $28 in my banking account, and do not expect to receive more for another week and a half. With a child, we all know that is a bloody bullshit dream of an accomplishment.
So immediately, I begin to grow angry and fume silently inside of my head. "If his asshole of a father would actually pay child support, we wouldn't be in this situation." "If he'd just buy one fucking pack of diapers, I'd be set for this week" "If he'd just help me, my life wouldn't be so hard..." What kind of world do we live in when a mother cannot rely on the father of her child to help her be it financially or emotionally? I remember back in the 'old days' where "If you got her pregnant son, you gotta marry her" was still around. By no means would I ever take that man as a husband, I'd prefer the shot gun myself, but why can't we compromise? Why must it be either "Marry her" or "Forget about her and the kid"?
So I'm sitting here with chicken boiling on the stove and for what? I forgot why. I've been in robot mode because I am so crippled with asking "Why is it such an inconvenience for him to help us...". I put chicken on to boil, I changed AK's diaper and put him down for bed, I poured myself a drink, checked my bags for homework, and found myself here.
I always swore that I'd never call SD and beg him to pay child support, something, anything. I always swore I'd handle this on my own. I told myself that I would never in a million years beg him just to help some how...But it's boiling down to that. I have no money and I did not make this child alone. Actually, scratch all that. I will not call and beg him. I will call him, inform him of my situation, and leave it up to him whether or not to act. If he refuses to help me, I'll just have to help myself. I always have, and I always will. I've raised this beautiful, amazing child on my own for nearly two years now and I'm sure this week will not be the breaker.
Mamas, never forget, you can do it somehow, even if you have to type it all out and read it to realize how much you'd let yourself give up. Never, ever give up.
Things were going fine, not great nor bad, but fine up until I picked AK up from daycare. He had not napped today since he was working with the speech therapist who makes visits. This meant I got to deal with a fussy baby on the ride home and pray that if I put him down for a nap, he'd take one. My prayers went unanswered as I spent almost an hour trying to lay him down to sleep. I gave in and let him stay awake. Though, this is not a normal fussy, this is the teething fussy which I'm sure so many of you are aware of. And not just any teething, oh no, we're talking molars.
I tried and tried for hours to calm him and even thought maybe a car ride would soothe the beast, but as I dropped my husband off at work for his shift and still had a screaming child, I realized that was a no go. I incorporated his great grandmother into the equation and tried to see if she could calm him with the massive explosion of toys she'd been stashing for him, and no. I came home and called my neighbor who also happens to be my mother and begged her to meet me at home. He threw his head back, made his body go rigid and shrieked like I'd began to skin him alive just by getting him out of the carseat...My mother tried, and tried, and tried to make him calm again until I was on the floor myself crying. That's right ladies, I broke.
I was needing to pay a small bill and went by the ATM to withdraw some money on the way home and discovered I only have $28 in my banking account, and do not expect to receive more for another week and a half. With a child, we all know that is a bloody bullshit dream of an accomplishment.
So immediately, I begin to grow angry and fume silently inside of my head. "If his asshole of a father would actually pay child support, we wouldn't be in this situation." "If he'd just buy one fucking pack of diapers, I'd be set for this week" "If he'd just help me, my life wouldn't be so hard..." What kind of world do we live in when a mother cannot rely on the father of her child to help her be it financially or emotionally? I remember back in the 'old days' where "If you got her pregnant son, you gotta marry her" was still around. By no means would I ever take that man as a husband, I'd prefer the shot gun myself, but why can't we compromise? Why must it be either "Marry her" or "Forget about her and the kid"?
So I'm sitting here with chicken boiling on the stove and for what? I forgot why. I've been in robot mode because I am so crippled with asking "Why is it such an inconvenience for him to help us...". I put chicken on to boil, I changed AK's diaper and put him down for bed, I poured myself a drink, checked my bags for homework, and found myself here.
I always swore that I'd never call SD and beg him to pay child support, something, anything. I always swore I'd handle this on my own. I told myself that I would never in a million years beg him just to help some how...But it's boiling down to that. I have no money and I did not make this child alone. Actually, scratch all that. I will not call and beg him. I will call him, inform him of my situation, and leave it up to him whether or not to act. If he refuses to help me, I'll just have to help myself. I always have, and I always will. I've raised this beautiful, amazing child on my own for nearly two years now and I'm sure this week will not be the breaker.
Mamas, never forget, you can do it somehow, even if you have to type it all out and read it to realize how much you'd let yourself give up. Never, ever give up.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Phone Drama?
Ah, this has been a crazy adventure since my last post. I stuck by my word and kept SD's entire area code blocked from my phone. However, the app does have two methods of which it blocks calls; The first being answer and hang up automatically, the second sends it straight to voicemail. I was curious to see if he'd call, so I set it to send calls to voicemail because he always leaves a voicemail, even though the app does tell me if a call was blocked. SD has been blocked from calling since October 11th, and has not attempted to call once. But for some reason, I lost my gut and opened the door back up.
Thursday night (October 18th), I decided that I wanted to see if SD wanted to see AK or not Friday when I brought him down. So I asked SD's mother for his phone number, she gave me the home phone number for the residence of him, IB, and IB's mother of whom SD and IB live with. I called, no answer, and I needed to inform my friend of whom we were riding with to save gas of whether or not I'd be going for sure (I had a lot of things going on and was not planning to go unless he wanted to see AK) by 8PM, and it was now 6PM. So I called SD's mother back and asked for IB's cell phone number, since SD destroyed his. This, ladies, is where things get 'fun'.
I call the phone, and IB answers. I politely asked "May I speak to SD?" She nearly broke my phone with the attitude she popped, asking "Who is this." I told her who, and she hands him the phone. I assume I'm on speaker because of the echo, which I usually am. SD answers while I hear IB in the background screaming "Ask her how the hell she got my fucking phone number", when maybe 3 weeks ago she was saying 'OMG let's be BFFs'? He asks, I tell him that I asked his mother for it because I needed to speak with him immediately and she was only being polite, he does not repeat what I said (Furthering my suspicion of being on speaker) when I hear IB say "Oh hell no, I'm going to call your mother and cuss her ass out, blah blah blah" (After ass, I tuned her out). That's when I heard it.
"Shut. The. Fuck. Up." I'm stunned. This is the same man who called this woman his sun, moon, and stars...Telling her to STFU? LOL! I laughed so hard, I couldn't resist it. And it made it even better when I hear her say "Oh hell no, you ain't gonna talk to me like that". He replies with "I'm so fucking tired of hearing you bitch." Oh my god, by this point ladies, I'd soaked my panties with just the venom he was spewing to this person who he admitted on multiple occasions was more important than his own child. She storms out, we have a conversation and I tell him that I'll call back in an hour after he figures out whether or not he can find a ride to the location. This, again, is where things get fun.
I call him back in a little over an hour, and IB answers again with the same amount of attitude, and I politely ask again to speak to SD. I hear her scream "God damn it!" and put SD on the phone. I'd had just about enough of her mouth, so before he even speaks, I said "Put her back on the phone." He nearly begged me, saying "I don't want to deal with it..." I said "Put her on the phone." IB is in the background (Again, I'm on speaker) saying "I don't want to talk to her." Too bad sugar, because that's when I said "Bitch pick up the fucking phone."
This time, she sounds like a shy little 6 year old girl when she answers, with a simple "H...Hello?" I asked her "Do you have a problem with me, IB?"
"Wh...What do you mean by that?"
"Well it would seem that the first time I called, you acted like a fucking twat. And don't think I didn't hear you scream 'God damn it' the second time I called which is really fucking weird considering two, three weeks ago you were saying we should be friends. So, IB, do you or do you not have a fucking problem with me?"
"Well...No that's not it. I just don't like people giving out my number like that."
"Get over it. He's the father of my son, I needed to speak with him immediately."
"Well...I guess you can call this number ONLY if it's an emergency and ONLY if you can't get us on the home phone."
"Hmm...Yeah no. If I need to speak with him, I will call your phone, your house phone, your mothers phone, your aunts phone...Get my drift? I will call whoever, whenever I want if I need to speak with him. Got it?"
"Here's SD."
"So glad we got that taken care of, you have a great night sweety."
So funny...It really is. It's hilarious when someone has all these balls when they're not speaking directly to you. Mamas, stand. Your. Ground. Do not let the new girlfriend, if she is anything like IB, treat you like you're not important. You gave birth to that child, you have raised that child, and I don't care if it's just to call and say "I farted and it stinks", that is your right to do so. You have the right to be in contact with your child's father and don't let girls like this make you think otherwise.
Thursday night (October 18th), I decided that I wanted to see if SD wanted to see AK or not Friday when I brought him down. So I asked SD's mother for his phone number, she gave me the home phone number for the residence of him, IB, and IB's mother of whom SD and IB live with. I called, no answer, and I needed to inform my friend of whom we were riding with to save gas of whether or not I'd be going for sure (I had a lot of things going on and was not planning to go unless he wanted to see AK) by 8PM, and it was now 6PM. So I called SD's mother back and asked for IB's cell phone number, since SD destroyed his. This, ladies, is where things get 'fun'.
I call the phone, and IB answers. I politely asked "May I speak to SD?" She nearly broke my phone with the attitude she popped, asking "Who is this." I told her who, and she hands him the phone. I assume I'm on speaker because of the echo, which I usually am. SD answers while I hear IB in the background screaming "Ask her how the hell she got my fucking phone number", when maybe 3 weeks ago she was saying 'OMG let's be BFFs'? He asks, I tell him that I asked his mother for it because I needed to speak with him immediately and she was only being polite, he does not repeat what I said (Furthering my suspicion of being on speaker) when I hear IB say "Oh hell no, I'm going to call your mother and cuss her ass out, blah blah blah" (After ass, I tuned her out). That's when I heard it.
"Shut. The. Fuck. Up." I'm stunned. This is the same man who called this woman his sun, moon, and stars...Telling her to STFU? LOL! I laughed so hard, I couldn't resist it. And it made it even better when I hear her say "Oh hell no, you ain't gonna talk to me like that". He replies with "I'm so fucking tired of hearing you bitch." Oh my god, by this point ladies, I'd soaked my panties with just the venom he was spewing to this person who he admitted on multiple occasions was more important than his own child. She storms out, we have a conversation and I tell him that I'll call back in an hour after he figures out whether or not he can find a ride to the location. This, again, is where things get fun.
I call him back in a little over an hour, and IB answers again with the same amount of attitude, and I politely ask again to speak to SD. I hear her scream "God damn it!" and put SD on the phone. I'd had just about enough of her mouth, so before he even speaks, I said "Put her back on the phone." He nearly begged me, saying "I don't want to deal with it..." I said "Put her on the phone." IB is in the background (Again, I'm on speaker) saying "I don't want to talk to her." Too bad sugar, because that's when I said "Bitch pick up the fucking phone."
This time, she sounds like a shy little 6 year old girl when she answers, with a simple "H...Hello?" I asked her "Do you have a problem with me, IB?"
"Wh...What do you mean by that?"
"Well it would seem that the first time I called, you acted like a fucking twat. And don't think I didn't hear you scream 'God damn it' the second time I called which is really fucking weird considering two, three weeks ago you were saying we should be friends. So, IB, do you or do you not have a fucking problem with me?"
"Well...No that's not it. I just don't like people giving out my number like that."
"Get over it. He's the father of my son, I needed to speak with him immediately."
"Well...I guess you can call this number ONLY if it's an emergency and ONLY if you can't get us on the home phone."
"Hmm...Yeah no. If I need to speak with him, I will call your phone, your house phone, your mothers phone, your aunts phone...Get my drift? I will call whoever, whenever I want if I need to speak with him. Got it?"
"Here's SD."
"So glad we got that taken care of, you have a great night sweety."
So funny...It really is. It's hilarious when someone has all these balls when they're not speaking directly to you. Mamas, stand. Your. Ground. Do not let the new girlfriend, if she is anything like IB, treat you like you're not important. You gave birth to that child, you have raised that child, and I don't care if it's just to call and say "I farted and it stinks", that is your right to do so. You have the right to be in contact with your child's father and don't let girls like this make you think otherwise.
Monday, October 15, 2012
I'd Had Enough.
It's been so long since I last posted because I've had absolutely annoying things going on.
For instance, about two weeks ago I received a letter from Child Support Enforcement. I opened it up, read it, and literally just could not wrap my mind around it said to the point I thought they'd sent me the wrong thing and called my case worker. I asked her to explain the letter to me. "Well basically, this is a copy of what we sent SD and it has been ruled that for as long as he is in Job Corps, the monthly amount will still aaccumulate. He can pay if he wants to, but we're not going to make him until he leaves the program."
Of course, I'm astonished. I lost what little bit of patience I'd been saving for a bad day and said "Oh, so I guess it costs less to raise our son just because he's in Job Corps, where he makes $37 every two weeks with his meals, utilities, and room being provided so it's sheer spending money. Oh, and it was also my understanding that he only had to pay in a fraction of his paychecks and Job Corps would match the rest. Men who are unemployed and not drawing unemployment are still responsible for $50 a month, but he's not? How is that fair?"
She went on to explain that after he left the program and started working, they could get a judgement to garnish his wages. I told her that was a fabulous idea because he'd already told me that I would not receive a penny from him and by them doing this, it further reinforced the idea.
It was projected that he would leave Job Corps in December of this year, and proclaimed that after leaving the program, SD had 72 hours to contact Child Support Enforcement and inform them.
Well, I found out through SD's mother that he'd been out of Job Corps for a week and a half, and had informed no one. I decided to be nice and call my case worker and inform her. Though now that he's out of Job Corps, SD has moved in with the dreaded gum disease, Gingivitis. Oh wait, I named her IB. Out of the blue one night after not having spoken to him in a month (Which was pure bliss), SD decides to call. He asks how our son, AK is doing. Despite the fact he's been a horrible father, I still tell him how our son is doing when he asks. Of course it's been rather dramatic lately so I'm going into a lot of detail about AK's health since he was premature and even as a near 2 year old still suffers developmental delays. He has me on speaker which I did not appreciate because when I tell him of our son's well being, it is for his ears alone but whatever. So I'm going on and on, and all of a sudden, IB starts talking to him and interrupts me. I absolutely hate being interrupted, but held my tongue. I waited, and waited, and waited until finally I said "SD". "Hang on a second" he says. I explode. "No, you called me to ask about your son. She can shut the fuck up and wait five minutes until I'm done saying what I need to say because I know her mother raised her with better manners than to interrupt someone." He agreed that I was right, and IB giggled and said "Oops, sorry." I did a mock giggle back and said "Whatever." At this point, I'd turned into the immature brat that I dislike so much. We finish speaking, he promises to call the next day. And a week later...
I finally heard from him again. I called him because I had rage just building. I was tired of the 'call once, dissapear for one to three plus months' deal. I told him in the calmest way anyone could and said this was not healthy and his son loved to talk on the phone, so he needed to call and either ask about him, or speak to him (He babbles, doesn't speak but still loves to). I didn't expect him to do it every day, but multiple times a week or I was done, I wouldn't allow him to call again. He agreed, then went on to talk about how he wants to become a Wilderness Guide. Good for you, a round of shots for all. But says that he will be stationed in either Colorado or Wyoming which is a good distance from our humble state of North Carolina. I asked him if that was his way of saying that he did not wish to be a part of our son's life and if it was, that was fine, just to tell me. He said no and then said he would work four to five months, then come visit.
Again, I'm stuck with putting my foot down. "You will not bounce in and out of this child's life. You have met him once and he is turning two in a month. You will either see him at least once a month unless something serious arises, or you will not see him at all." Of course, he says "That's not fair." because being a father to him depends on his schedule and apparently, he's been booked for the last two years. "No, it's perfectly fair. You had your father growing up. Now imagine seeing him once a month. Sucks doesn't it?" "Yeah, but I could deal with it." "Right, you may have. But now picture this. You see your dad once, maybe twice a year. Fucks with your head huh? All those times you went to the store with him, went hunting, camping, or just watched TV together...Gone."
He finally agreed that I was right, and promised to call me the next day which was Tuesday of last week. So I honestly kept my phone in my pocket all day, made sure several times that the ringer was on. Not a phone call one...On Wednesday, I started getting angry when my son's bed time rolled around and no phone call. I inform SD's mother that if he does not call by AK's bed time the next day (7PM), then he would never contact me again and I'd make sure of it.
Thursday, I installed an app to my phone that blocks anything from restricted/private callers to individual numbers, to entire area codes, to anyone who isn't in your contacts. Thursday at 7:05PM, I programmed in his entire area code into the block. Here we are, 4 days later. I am supposed to be driving to his city so that AK can have visitation with SD's mother Friday. His mother has informed him of this and he has expressed no wishes to be there.
I think this is it mamas, I think this is where everything all crumbles into the embers and fades. We shall see, hmm?
For instance, about two weeks ago I received a letter from Child Support Enforcement. I opened it up, read it, and literally just could not wrap my mind around it said to the point I thought they'd sent me the wrong thing and called my case worker. I asked her to explain the letter to me. "Well basically, this is a copy of what we sent SD and it has been ruled that for as long as he is in Job Corps, the monthly amount will still aaccumulate. He can pay if he wants to, but we're not going to make him until he leaves the program."
Of course, I'm astonished. I lost what little bit of patience I'd been saving for a bad day and said "Oh, so I guess it costs less to raise our son just because he's in Job Corps, where he makes $37 every two weeks with his meals, utilities, and room being provided so it's sheer spending money. Oh, and it was also my understanding that he only had to pay in a fraction of his paychecks and Job Corps would match the rest. Men who are unemployed and not drawing unemployment are still responsible for $50 a month, but he's not? How is that fair?"
She went on to explain that after he left the program and started working, they could get a judgement to garnish his wages. I told her that was a fabulous idea because he'd already told me that I would not receive a penny from him and by them doing this, it further reinforced the idea.
It was projected that he would leave Job Corps in December of this year, and proclaimed that after leaving the program, SD had 72 hours to contact Child Support Enforcement and inform them.
Well, I found out through SD's mother that he'd been out of Job Corps for a week and a half, and had informed no one. I decided to be nice and call my case worker and inform her. Though now that he's out of Job Corps, SD has moved in with the dreaded gum disease, Gingivitis. Oh wait, I named her IB. Out of the blue one night after not having spoken to him in a month (Which was pure bliss), SD decides to call. He asks how our son, AK is doing. Despite the fact he's been a horrible father, I still tell him how our son is doing when he asks. Of course it's been rather dramatic lately so I'm going into a lot of detail about AK's health since he was premature and even as a near 2 year old still suffers developmental delays. He has me on speaker which I did not appreciate because when I tell him of our son's well being, it is for his ears alone but whatever. So I'm going on and on, and all of a sudden, IB starts talking to him and interrupts me. I absolutely hate being interrupted, but held my tongue. I waited, and waited, and waited until finally I said "SD". "Hang on a second" he says. I explode. "No, you called me to ask about your son. She can shut the fuck up and wait five minutes until I'm done saying what I need to say because I know her mother raised her with better manners than to interrupt someone." He agreed that I was right, and IB giggled and said "Oops, sorry." I did a mock giggle back and said "Whatever." At this point, I'd turned into the immature brat that I dislike so much. We finish speaking, he promises to call the next day. And a week later...
I finally heard from him again. I called him because I had rage just building. I was tired of the 'call once, dissapear for one to three plus months' deal. I told him in the calmest way anyone could and said this was not healthy and his son loved to talk on the phone, so he needed to call and either ask about him, or speak to him (He babbles, doesn't speak but still loves to). I didn't expect him to do it every day, but multiple times a week or I was done, I wouldn't allow him to call again. He agreed, then went on to talk about how he wants to become a Wilderness Guide. Good for you, a round of shots for all. But says that he will be stationed in either Colorado or Wyoming which is a good distance from our humble state of North Carolina. I asked him if that was his way of saying that he did not wish to be a part of our son's life and if it was, that was fine, just to tell me. He said no and then said he would work four to five months, then come visit.
Again, I'm stuck with putting my foot down. "You will not bounce in and out of this child's life. You have met him once and he is turning two in a month. You will either see him at least once a month unless something serious arises, or you will not see him at all." Of course, he says "That's not fair." because being a father to him depends on his schedule and apparently, he's been booked for the last two years. "No, it's perfectly fair. You had your father growing up. Now imagine seeing him once a month. Sucks doesn't it?" "Yeah, but I could deal with it." "Right, you may have. But now picture this. You see your dad once, maybe twice a year. Fucks with your head huh? All those times you went to the store with him, went hunting, camping, or just watched TV together...Gone."
He finally agreed that I was right, and promised to call me the next day which was Tuesday of last week. So I honestly kept my phone in my pocket all day, made sure several times that the ringer was on. Not a phone call one...On Wednesday, I started getting angry when my son's bed time rolled around and no phone call. I inform SD's mother that if he does not call by AK's bed time the next day (7PM), then he would never contact me again and I'd make sure of it.
Thursday, I installed an app to my phone that blocks anything from restricted/private callers to individual numbers, to entire area codes, to anyone who isn't in your contacts. Thursday at 7:05PM, I programmed in his entire area code into the block. Here we are, 4 days later. I am supposed to be driving to his city so that AK can have visitation with SD's mother Friday. His mother has informed him of this and he has expressed no wishes to be there.
I think this is it mamas, I think this is where everything all crumbles into the embers and fades. We shall see, hmm?
Monday, September 17, 2012
Birthdays and Bitch Fests.
I never thought that inviting someone to my son's second birthday would cause an argument...But that was also a time before SD dove into the eternal depths that is IB's anus and refused to leave. He managed to call me September 1st to tell me that he would be paying his first child support payment on the 14th, which did not happen. Surprising? Nope, though I wish I could say I was the least bit surprised.
Back to business. After he informed me of his intent to pay, I decided to be nice and invite him to my son's birthday party in about two months. He said "Well can I..." and I quickly cut him off. I said very kindly "You are invited, your mother is invited, your mother's sister is invited, anyone who is family is invited. Anyone who is not family is not invited. Catch my drift?"
"Oh so IB can't come?" I figured you'd catch that and I wouldn't have to explain, but apparently an explanation is in order. "No, she may not." "Why?" SD knows damn good and well why IB cannot come, but he likes to get explanations so that he can repeat it to her when I wouldn't have a problem saying it to her myself. I am the type of person who thinks with a very level head and can be very civil when I choose to.
"She cannot come because 1) I do not like her. 2) My mother hates her. 3) Your mother hates her. 4) I've already told her before that she is not to step foot on my property after the horrid things she's said about my son and 5) If she does so choose to ignore it and step foot on my property, I will have her arrested and do not think I won't."
"Why do you hate her?" "I wonder why? It could have been because she said my son was an inconvenience to your future family, or that she said she hoped he wasn't yours, or any time you spoke to her about my son she would say 'shut up, you don't even know if that's your kid.' so...Maybe all of the above?"
"Well you know we're getting married, she's going to be family, you gotta get used to the fact she's going to be around you and AK..." I again, cut him off.
"I do not have to get used to a damn thing, SD. You can marry her 40 times, that will not make her shit to me. This is my child, it's my child's birthday, I'm paying for it, I'm hosting it, I will say who can come and who cannot and I will not have people pissed off at my kid's party so no, she can't come. You can either come alone or don't come at all."
He said he would come alone, so we will see how that goes.
Stand your ground ladies. Don't be pushed around when you know someone is a toxic influence to your child. Mother knows best.
Back to business. After he informed me of his intent to pay, I decided to be nice and invite him to my son's birthday party in about two months. He said "Well can I..." and I quickly cut him off. I said very kindly "You are invited, your mother is invited, your mother's sister is invited, anyone who is family is invited. Anyone who is not family is not invited. Catch my drift?"
"Oh so IB can't come?" I figured you'd catch that and I wouldn't have to explain, but apparently an explanation is in order. "No, she may not." "Why?" SD knows damn good and well why IB cannot come, but he likes to get explanations so that he can repeat it to her when I wouldn't have a problem saying it to her myself. I am the type of person who thinks with a very level head and can be very civil when I choose to.
"She cannot come because 1) I do not like her. 2) My mother hates her. 3) Your mother hates her. 4) I've already told her before that she is not to step foot on my property after the horrid things she's said about my son and 5) If she does so choose to ignore it and step foot on my property, I will have her arrested and do not think I won't."
"Why do you hate her?" "I wonder why? It could have been because she said my son was an inconvenience to your future family, or that she said she hoped he wasn't yours, or any time you spoke to her about my son she would say 'shut up, you don't even know if that's your kid.' so...Maybe all of the above?"
"Well you know we're getting married, she's going to be family, you gotta get used to the fact she's going to be around you and AK..." I again, cut him off.
"I do not have to get used to a damn thing, SD. You can marry her 40 times, that will not make her shit to me. This is my child, it's my child's birthday, I'm paying for it, I'm hosting it, I will say who can come and who cannot and I will not have people pissed off at my kid's party so no, she can't come. You can either come alone or don't come at all."
He said he would come alone, so we will see how that goes.
Stand your ground ladies. Don't be pushed around when you know someone is a toxic influence to your child. Mother knows best.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
I need a break.
Mommas, I'm sure you've all been to that point where you have tried your best to clean your house with a crying baby clinging to you and getting into things between cling sessions. Where you just stare into space trying to console the little banshee in your arms thinking "I need a break." or "Why can't he just help me sometimes?"
I have these moments quite a bit, and the last one is right now. I've spent the entire day cleaning, doing homework, cooking meals, doing dishes, consoling that screaming toddler and trying to keep that same toddler from getting into things he should not be getting in to. Thankfully though, I have my spouse who I can tag out with and have him take over for a few minutes.
But still the lingering thought in your head is "Why can't I rely on SD for help." I thought about this earlier in the week actually. I was driving home from picking AK up from daycare and thought "I'm so tired...I wish SD would take him for a weekend just so I could rest a little." but the immediate after thought was "I wish I could trust SD to take him for a weekend."
You see, two weeks ago I found out something about SD. I called his mother to inform her that my son's surgery went well, of which SD had no interest in but she did. We've grown very close and I am so thankful for that, and she confided something in me. She said "T, do you remember last week when I was on SD's case about not paying child support?" I remembered it very well, so I said yes and asked why. "Well...I kept asking him where his money was going, where and he said that he was still on cocaine."
This is news to me, considering I never knew he'd done cocaine at all. Apparently, this was a 3 year ongoing thing and it's still going on. Apparently IB wasn't getting all of his money, but still a large chunk while the other is going up his nose. Of course I was surprised, and honestly I'd lost all faith in him even though there wasn't much left to lose.
So now as my break grows to a close, I just want to say this. Mommas, I know that you get tired and you want a break, we all do. I know that you just want to pick up that phone, call then and scream at them for not helping. I know that you are angry that you are saddled with all the responsibility while your sperm donor runs free but just remember this. Your child will remember all of the times you were there, and he wasn't. They'll remember all of the good times, the bad times, the funny times, and the sad times and you'll be closer for it. You deserve a break though, so when that time comes where you feel that you're about to fizzle out, reach out. Call a friend, your parents, your grand parents, any source that you have left and ask for help and more than likely, they'll be willing.
I have these moments quite a bit, and the last one is right now. I've spent the entire day cleaning, doing homework, cooking meals, doing dishes, consoling that screaming toddler and trying to keep that same toddler from getting into things he should not be getting in to. Thankfully though, I have my spouse who I can tag out with and have him take over for a few minutes.
But still the lingering thought in your head is "Why can't I rely on SD for help." I thought about this earlier in the week actually. I was driving home from picking AK up from daycare and thought "I'm so tired...I wish SD would take him for a weekend just so I could rest a little." but the immediate after thought was "I wish I could trust SD to take him for a weekend."
You see, two weeks ago I found out something about SD. I called his mother to inform her that my son's surgery went well, of which SD had no interest in but she did. We've grown very close and I am so thankful for that, and she confided something in me. She said "T, do you remember last week when I was on SD's case about not paying child support?" I remembered it very well, so I said yes and asked why. "Well...I kept asking him where his money was going, where and he said that he was still on cocaine."
This is news to me, considering I never knew he'd done cocaine at all. Apparently, this was a 3 year ongoing thing and it's still going on. Apparently IB wasn't getting all of his money, but still a large chunk while the other is going up his nose. Of course I was surprised, and honestly I'd lost all faith in him even though there wasn't much left to lose.
So now as my break grows to a close, I just want to say this. Mommas, I know that you get tired and you want a break, we all do. I know that you just want to pick up that phone, call then and scream at them for not helping. I know that you are angry that you are saddled with all the responsibility while your sperm donor runs free but just remember this. Your child will remember all of the times you were there, and he wasn't. They'll remember all of the good times, the bad times, the funny times, and the sad times and you'll be closer for it. You deserve a break though, so when that time comes where you feel that you're about to fizzle out, reach out. Call a friend, your parents, your grand parents, any source that you have left and ask for help and more than likely, they'll be willing.
Dealing With The New Girlfriend.
This is a topic that people either handle very well, or it's a disaster. Let's face it, not everyone has the social graces to be civil with the new girl either because of their own emotions, or because the new girlfriend is one of those "I'm the most important person on the planet, even more important than your kid" girls.
My experience with this is still a work in progress, I'm sad to say. SD began dating this girl in October of 2011, a month before our son had his first birthday. Honestly she was probably the third girl he'd dated since May when I found him again, so I thought very little of it. I was dignified, civil, and respectful regardless of the fact I assumed the relationship wouldn't last since he was a 'serial short term dater'.
SD's last girlfriend, before IB, was a pleasure. She was very sweet, very concerned about SD and AK (Awesome Kid)'s relationship. She was one of those girls that would say "I've seen you three times this week, wouldn't you like to spend time with your son for a little bit? I'll be fine, we can hang out later." Beautiful, absolutely beautiful and we worked together as a team.
But they came to a screeching halt and horrible break up when there was a pregnancy scare and SD did what he did best...Ran for the hills. Thankfully for both her sake and the potential child, she was not pregnant. We still keep in touch though because we bonded on a friend basis and well, I enjoy her company more than I do his.
Back to the point. Me and IB were fine, up until I heard tales of things she was saying behind my back. Of course like most things I hear, I label it as gossip and go about my day. But when you begin hearing things like she publicly says to SD when he talks about AK, "Shut up! You don't even know if that's your kid, stop talking about it!" Which was prior to the DNA test, and things like "You should stop talking to her, it makes me uncomfortable." Because you know, communication when you have a child together isn't needed...*Sarcasm* So I gave IB the benefit of the doubt and sent her a message on Facebook saying "I'm sure it's just bored people talking, but have you been saying these things?" and much to my surprise...She confirms it herself in a very colorful way.
This goes on for a while. Including an argument of when SD met AK for the first time. I was driving, as I said, 5 hours round trip and paying for gas out of pocket so that SD could meet AK. Since this was the first time SD was going to be meeting AK, AK was bad with strangers, and SD was a serial short term dater who had only been dating IB for four months, I asked that she not be there considering I would be the one picking him up and giving him a ride to his mothers house where we would be doing the visitation. You'd think it wouldn't be a problem considering it was the first time, I was paying for gas, and it was my car but no. IB insisted that she be there, and I kept my foot firm. It evolved into "Well, I think this is best." to "This is my child, you will not tell me what to do!" with IB, when she put her foot down as well and said "SD can't go unless I can go" so I pretty much flipped the bird to both of them. My car, my gas money, my child, my choice.
This is the point in which me and SD have the huge argument which lead to him admitting he also did not believe AK was his child and he'd pretty much just been using Ashley's voice (Who was voicing the concern as well) to say it. So I made the trip down, made damn sure to say she was not allowed since she wanted to be pushy, and we had the visitation and performed the home DNA test. I set ground rules before agreeing to make the trip that applied to both parties. Since this was the first visitation, the first time meeting his son, neither of us were allowed to take phone calls, text, etc since this was a serious matter that deserved our full attention. We were not allowed to argue since we're so famous for that, and we were not allowed to make remarks concerning the other's partner since in March of 2011, I married my high school sweetheart.
Everything was going fabulously. SD was very nervous around AK, but he tried his best. He fed AK, he changed his diapers, and he played with him while we were there. If he'd asked me for more visitation at that point, I'd have gladly agreed. Then IB calls, and he takes the call. I stare at him for a moment, and decide to be graceful and say "We agreed to no phone calls, I guess you forgot." He looks at me and says "It will only take a minute."
By this point I'm exhausted. I've driven 3 hours in total because when I met SD to pick him up so we could go to his mother's house, he asks me to go to four different friend's houses so he can pick up his clothes that he left there, or other things. I had a toddler in the back seat, screaming in protest from being locked in a car seat the entire 3 hours, and I'd woken up at an ungodly hour to bathe myself, AK, dress myself and AK, cook breakfast, pack a diaper bag, well you mothers know what you have to do before you can leave.
I bite my tongue, hearing IB loudly say "What are you up to?!" knowing good and well what he was doing. He casually says "I'm with my son. I'll have to call you back." This was the first and last time I was proud of SD. She says "Oh okay, let me talk to T" I pause, and he starts to hand me the phone. I have nothing to say to this girl, she knows that this is the first time SD is meeting AK and this is just unacceptable. I kindly say "No. I do not want to talk to her right now, this day is about AK, not her. I will call her back later if it's truly important."
SD puts the phone back to his ear and I hear her loudly say "Is she mad at me?!" No dear, there's a pretty large gap between hating someone and just not liking them because they're a horrible person that speaks ill of a child. But, he gets her off the phone and the day progresses.
While this was just one of many, many encounters I've had with the new girlfriend, remember mommas. Keep your cool. If you act in a civil and polite way even when you just want to scream and say "Are you that dumb?!" You are the adult, you are the mature one. You are the one who looks sane of the two of you. Of course there is a line which civility and politeness isn't an option, but we'll cover that later. Til then, remember, you are that child's mother and you are in charge, not her. Do not let the girlfriend dictate how something will happen if you are not comfortable with it.
My experience with this is still a work in progress, I'm sad to say. SD began dating this girl in October of 2011, a month before our son had his first birthday. Honestly she was probably the third girl he'd dated since May when I found him again, so I thought very little of it. I was dignified, civil, and respectful regardless of the fact I assumed the relationship wouldn't last since he was a 'serial short term dater'.
SD's last girlfriend, before IB, was a pleasure. She was very sweet, very concerned about SD and AK (Awesome Kid)'s relationship. She was one of those girls that would say "I've seen you three times this week, wouldn't you like to spend time with your son for a little bit? I'll be fine, we can hang out later." Beautiful, absolutely beautiful and we worked together as a team.
But they came to a screeching halt and horrible break up when there was a pregnancy scare and SD did what he did best...Ran for the hills. Thankfully for both her sake and the potential child, she was not pregnant. We still keep in touch though because we bonded on a friend basis and well, I enjoy her company more than I do his.
Back to the point. Me and IB were fine, up until I heard tales of things she was saying behind my back. Of course like most things I hear, I label it as gossip and go about my day. But when you begin hearing things like she publicly says to SD when he talks about AK, "Shut up! You don't even know if that's your kid, stop talking about it!" Which was prior to the DNA test, and things like "You should stop talking to her, it makes me uncomfortable." Because you know, communication when you have a child together isn't needed...*Sarcasm* So I gave IB the benefit of the doubt and sent her a message on Facebook saying "I'm sure it's just bored people talking, but have you been saying these things?" and much to my surprise...She confirms it herself in a very colorful way.
This goes on for a while. Including an argument of when SD met AK for the first time. I was driving, as I said, 5 hours round trip and paying for gas out of pocket so that SD could meet AK. Since this was the first time SD was going to be meeting AK, AK was bad with strangers, and SD was a serial short term dater who had only been dating IB for four months, I asked that she not be there considering I would be the one picking him up and giving him a ride to his mothers house where we would be doing the visitation. You'd think it wouldn't be a problem considering it was the first time, I was paying for gas, and it was my car but no. IB insisted that she be there, and I kept my foot firm. It evolved into "Well, I think this is best." to "This is my child, you will not tell me what to do!" with IB, when she put her foot down as well and said "SD can't go unless I can go" so I pretty much flipped the bird to both of them. My car, my gas money, my child, my choice.
This is the point in which me and SD have the huge argument which lead to him admitting he also did not believe AK was his child and he'd pretty much just been using Ashley's voice (Who was voicing the concern as well) to say it. So I made the trip down, made damn sure to say she was not allowed since she wanted to be pushy, and we had the visitation and performed the home DNA test. I set ground rules before agreeing to make the trip that applied to both parties. Since this was the first visitation, the first time meeting his son, neither of us were allowed to take phone calls, text, etc since this was a serious matter that deserved our full attention. We were not allowed to argue since we're so famous for that, and we were not allowed to make remarks concerning the other's partner since in March of 2011, I married my high school sweetheart.
Everything was going fabulously. SD was very nervous around AK, but he tried his best. He fed AK, he changed his diapers, and he played with him while we were there. If he'd asked me for more visitation at that point, I'd have gladly agreed. Then IB calls, and he takes the call. I stare at him for a moment, and decide to be graceful and say "We agreed to no phone calls, I guess you forgot." He looks at me and says "It will only take a minute."
By this point I'm exhausted. I've driven 3 hours in total because when I met SD to pick him up so we could go to his mother's house, he asks me to go to four different friend's houses so he can pick up his clothes that he left there, or other things. I had a toddler in the back seat, screaming in protest from being locked in a car seat the entire 3 hours, and I'd woken up at an ungodly hour to bathe myself, AK, dress myself and AK, cook breakfast, pack a diaper bag, well you mothers know what you have to do before you can leave.
I bite my tongue, hearing IB loudly say "What are you up to?!" knowing good and well what he was doing. He casually says "I'm with my son. I'll have to call you back." This was the first and last time I was proud of SD. She says "Oh okay, let me talk to T" I pause, and he starts to hand me the phone. I have nothing to say to this girl, she knows that this is the first time SD is meeting AK and this is just unacceptable. I kindly say "No. I do not want to talk to her right now, this day is about AK, not her. I will call her back later if it's truly important."
SD puts the phone back to his ear and I hear her loudly say "Is she mad at me?!" No dear, there's a pretty large gap between hating someone and just not liking them because they're a horrible person that speaks ill of a child. But, he gets her off the phone and the day progresses.
While this was just one of many, many encounters I've had with the new girlfriend, remember mommas. Keep your cool. If you act in a civil and polite way even when you just want to scream and say "Are you that dumb?!" You are the adult, you are the mature one. You are the one who looks sane of the two of you. Of course there is a line which civility and politeness isn't an option, but we'll cover that later. Til then, remember, you are that child's mother and you are in charge, not her. Do not let the girlfriend dictate how something will happen if you are not comfortable with it.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Child Support Enforcement.
What a joke. Enforcement, and all the workers coupled with the court system and law enforcement are the enforcers? Yeah, right. Child Support 'We tell you to pay, but it's whatever' is a more suitable name at least for my county.
Honestly, I struggled for the first five months of my son's life on whether or not to pursue child support. I had began working again as soon as I was given the 'okay' by my obstetrician at the 6 week point and I busted my ass every day. Sadly, it's hard for one person to make it on their own with a child. Diapers, wipes, formula, clothes, bottles, bibs...It seemed like the list of things he needed just went on, and my wallet became slimmer like a starving dog.
Even facing financial troubles, I still had my son's best interest at heart for those of you who wonder "Why would you even bother pursuing an alcoholic who threatened you while pregnant and dissapeared for child support?" I spent probably two weeks calling lawyers, talking to Magistrates, and even grilling Child Support 'Enforcement' for answers to questions like "If I pursue him, do I have to give him custody or visitation of any kind?"
LADIES, listen to this CLOSELY. No matter what state you are in, paying child support does not give a man the right to see a child in the eyes of the law. If you need child support, get it. If he wants visitation or custody and you're not comfortable with it, he will have to take you to court. Do not be afraid to pursue something you are entitled to.
The last paragraph is what I was told. Child support is to support the child that was created by SD, if he wanted visitation or custody and I felt that it was not safe than it was my option to say "Take me to court." and prove my case in front of a judge if he chose to do so.
So after SD was finally tracked down and determining that I couldn't rely on him to help me without taking it into the court system, I began pursuing him. I was hoping that I could rely on him to willingly help me get a box of diapers and wipes when I needed it and had no money, or just give me $20 here and there to help cover costs but that wasn't happening. So May 2011 is when this journey began.
He claimed that he was more than willing to pay child support...But he wanted a DNA test since his newest girlfriend who at this point he had been dating for about 3 weeks, swore up and down that my son was not his. I'm sure she'd know, she was totally in the bedroom with us while my son was being conceived. *Sarcasm* After they scheduled two DNA tests at the local hospital for his convenience and him not showing up to either, I was told that they would be giving him a subpoena to make him submit his DNA. This was October.
November came, and went. December soon followed. January as well. Still, he had not been served with his subpoena, and my patience grew short. After having a huge blow out argument with him, we finally came to a conclusion. I would drive 5 hours round trip to his city, bring a home DNA test and affidavit of parentage. He would sign the affidavit and I would turn it in to Child Support 'Enforcement' when the results came back. Here's that result:
Now if you read closely, it states "This genetic analysis excludes at least 99.99% of Caucasion men from paternity." as well as "Indicates that these genetic data are 6,408,570,000 (That's six billion, four hundred and eight million, five hundred seventy thousand) times more likely if SPERM DONOR is the biological father of AWESOME KID than if an untested, unrelated Caucasian man is the biological father." Kinda looks like to me those are some pretty stiff numbers. So, girlfriend of Sperm Donor who we will call Irritating Bitch, IB for short like Irritable Bowel which is much like what she does for me, is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
I turned the Affidavit of Parentage in to Child Support 'Enforcement' thinking that the ball would not only be rolling, it would be zooming the speed of light. I basically just did their job for them, right? I proved to him that he was the father of our son, and got him to sign a paper stating so in front of a notary. Ah, I'm so naive sometimes.
Fast forward to June, 2012. I still have not seen a penny, nor has our case made it to court since SD was giving us the run around since he had moved three and a half hours away because he finally decided that an education (Which the establishment he's attending doesn't really provide an education, just 'certificates') was important after all. Finally, I get the letter in the male at the end of June.
SD is responsible for $187 per month, based on his income (He told me that he didn't have any income at all) which was $1,256.00 per month. Oh great, another lie but that's fine. I expect that they will back date it from the month in which I filed, May 2011. I began counting frantically in my mind thinking "Oh amazing day, my son will have $2,431 to add to his savings account for college!" and much to my dismay, they only back dated it to APRIL of 2012. Fine, fine, that'll do. I'm just glad it's finally over with!
Not yet it's not. While it was a VOLUNTARY child support agreement meaning he read all five pages of it and signed it in front of a notary, 4 pages of which had $187 on it, SD has decided that he doesn't want to pay that much and begins hounding Child Support 'Enforcement' to drop the amount, claiming that he didn't make that amount and he had no idea where they got that number. Two months later, they're still waiting on his proof of income while he is almost $1,200 behind in child support with a warrant for his arrest out.
It's not over, it's never over. Mommas, remember that. As long as a man does not want to pay, he will find a way out of it. Do not let this bother you or you will end up bald from tearing your hair out. Wait patiently, but do not hold your breath. Eventually, it will work out and you will see that money. A lot of men think that by not paying and doing jail time, that amount is just dissolved and the tab is started over. Nope, that's not the way it works. Your SD will be put in jail, and he will still owe the amount. Don't fret, they are being held accountable just like you are, as a mother. Keep up the wonderful job you're doing and eventually you will get what you deserve.
Honestly, I struggled for the first five months of my son's life on whether or not to pursue child support. I had began working again as soon as I was given the 'okay' by my obstetrician at the 6 week point and I busted my ass every day. Sadly, it's hard for one person to make it on their own with a child. Diapers, wipes, formula, clothes, bottles, bibs...It seemed like the list of things he needed just went on, and my wallet became slimmer like a starving dog.
Even facing financial troubles, I still had my son's best interest at heart for those of you who wonder "Why would you even bother pursuing an alcoholic who threatened you while pregnant and dissapeared for child support?" I spent probably two weeks calling lawyers, talking to Magistrates, and even grilling Child Support 'Enforcement' for answers to questions like "If I pursue him, do I have to give him custody or visitation of any kind?"
LADIES, listen to this CLOSELY. No matter what state you are in, paying child support does not give a man the right to see a child in the eyes of the law. If you need child support, get it. If he wants visitation or custody and you're not comfortable with it, he will have to take you to court. Do not be afraid to pursue something you are entitled to.
The last paragraph is what I was told. Child support is to support the child that was created by SD, if he wanted visitation or custody and I felt that it was not safe than it was my option to say "Take me to court." and prove my case in front of a judge if he chose to do so.
So after SD was finally tracked down and determining that I couldn't rely on him to help me without taking it into the court system, I began pursuing him. I was hoping that I could rely on him to willingly help me get a box of diapers and wipes when I needed it and had no money, or just give me $20 here and there to help cover costs but that wasn't happening. So May 2011 is when this journey began.
He claimed that he was more than willing to pay child support...But he wanted a DNA test since his newest girlfriend who at this point he had been dating for about 3 weeks, swore up and down that my son was not his. I'm sure she'd know, she was totally in the bedroom with us while my son was being conceived. *Sarcasm* After they scheduled two DNA tests at the local hospital for his convenience and him not showing up to either, I was told that they would be giving him a subpoena to make him submit his DNA. This was October.
November came, and went. December soon followed. January as well. Still, he had not been served with his subpoena, and my patience grew short. After having a huge blow out argument with him, we finally came to a conclusion. I would drive 5 hours round trip to his city, bring a home DNA test and affidavit of parentage. He would sign the affidavit and I would turn it in to Child Support 'Enforcement' when the results came back. Here's that result:
I turned the Affidavit of Parentage in to Child Support 'Enforcement' thinking that the ball would not only be rolling, it would be zooming the speed of light. I basically just did their job for them, right? I proved to him that he was the father of our son, and got him to sign a paper stating so in front of a notary. Ah, I'm so naive sometimes.
Fast forward to June, 2012. I still have not seen a penny, nor has our case made it to court since SD was giving us the run around since he had moved three and a half hours away because he finally decided that an education (Which the establishment he's attending doesn't really provide an education, just 'certificates') was important after all. Finally, I get the letter in the male at the end of June.
SD is responsible for $187 per month, based on his income (He told me that he didn't have any income at all) which was $1,256.00 per month. Oh great, another lie but that's fine. I expect that they will back date it from the month in which I filed, May 2011. I began counting frantically in my mind thinking "Oh amazing day, my son will have $2,431 to add to his savings account for college!" and much to my dismay, they only back dated it to APRIL of 2012. Fine, fine, that'll do. I'm just glad it's finally over with!
Not yet it's not. While it was a VOLUNTARY child support agreement meaning he read all five pages of it and signed it in front of a notary, 4 pages of which had $187 on it, SD has decided that he doesn't want to pay that much and begins hounding Child Support 'Enforcement' to drop the amount, claiming that he didn't make that amount and he had no idea where they got that number. Two months later, they're still waiting on his proof of income while he is almost $1,200 behind in child support with a warrant for his arrest out.
It's not over, it's never over. Mommas, remember that. As long as a man does not want to pay, he will find a way out of it. Do not let this bother you or you will end up bald from tearing your hair out. Wait patiently, but do not hold your breath. Eventually, it will work out and you will see that money. A lot of men think that by not paying and doing jail time, that amount is just dissolved and the tab is started over. Nope, that's not the way it works. Your SD will be put in jail, and he will still owe the amount. Don't fret, they are being held accountable just like you are, as a mother. Keep up the wonderful job you're doing and eventually you will get what you deserve.
My First Post.
I never really thought about having a blog, because I knew I'd end up using it as a therapist and venting all of my problems to a blank page. But if anything I say, anything I have learned, or any inspirational messages I share can help out another mother who was the 'victim of a sperm donor', that's great. So let's start.
I want my blog to be anonymous, so call me T. My name is T, and I am the victim of a sperm donor. I met my son's father in early 2010 and like most idiots, fell in love. Of course everything was perfect until his flaws became ever more apparent...His need to drink daily, his lack of urgency to obtain employment other than mowing lawns for beer money, his disdain for pursuing education including his GED...The list goes on. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, we broke up due to the fact that he began calling me drunk and accusing me of the most absurd things with a very colorful vocabulary, and he went MIA which seems to be a common happening these days.
My pregnancy was far from flawless. After my first trimester, I was diagnosed with pregnancy induced hypertension which as luck would have it, developed into pre-eclampsia that brought friends...Low amniotic fluid, prematurely aged placenta, restricted umbilical cord blood flow...You name it my friend, I had it which lead to my hospitalization at 30 weeks. For a month we both fought, my son and I, to stay alive. I fought to keep him in utero to grow and get healthy, and he fought to stay. But after I hit 34 weeks, the umbilical cord blood flow had gotten worse and induction was on the horizon. After 36 hours of labor, I was wheeled in for an emergency c-section and he was born.
The love of my life, the most important person I had and would ever meet, the reason I would get up in the morning, the reason I would better myself and fight for a better life...He was all these things and I had just met him. But my beautiful, precious, and amazing 4 lb 14 oz, 19 inch long fighter had to stay in the NICU for two weeks.
He came home and he grew, and Sperm Donor was not to be found. After searching high and low with friends and family turning into blood hounds on the trail for FIVE MONTHS, I finally found Sperm Donor. We will call him SD for short. And that is where this journey begins.
My journey is bittersweet. Laced with happiness, joy, and pure bliss from having this amazing child who just shocks me every day that I could produce someone so perfect, and yet it's darkened by his presence, his words, and his actions.
Hang in there mommas. If there is anything I learned, it's patience.
I want my blog to be anonymous, so call me T. My name is T, and I am the victim of a sperm donor. I met my son's father in early 2010 and like most idiots, fell in love. Of course everything was perfect until his flaws became ever more apparent...His need to drink daily, his lack of urgency to obtain employment other than mowing lawns for beer money, his disdain for pursuing education including his GED...The list goes on. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, we broke up due to the fact that he began calling me drunk and accusing me of the most absurd things with a very colorful vocabulary, and he went MIA which seems to be a common happening these days.
My pregnancy was far from flawless. After my first trimester, I was diagnosed with pregnancy induced hypertension which as luck would have it, developed into pre-eclampsia that brought friends...Low amniotic fluid, prematurely aged placenta, restricted umbilical cord blood flow...You name it my friend, I had it which lead to my hospitalization at 30 weeks. For a month we both fought, my son and I, to stay alive. I fought to keep him in utero to grow and get healthy, and he fought to stay. But after I hit 34 weeks, the umbilical cord blood flow had gotten worse and induction was on the horizon. After 36 hours of labor, I was wheeled in for an emergency c-section and he was born.
The love of my life, the most important person I had and would ever meet, the reason I would get up in the morning, the reason I would better myself and fight for a better life...He was all these things and I had just met him. But my beautiful, precious, and amazing 4 lb 14 oz, 19 inch long fighter had to stay in the NICU for two weeks.
He came home and he grew, and Sperm Donor was not to be found. After searching high and low with friends and family turning into blood hounds on the trail for FIVE MONTHS, I finally found Sperm Donor. We will call him SD for short. And that is where this journey begins.
My journey is bittersweet. Laced with happiness, joy, and pure bliss from having this amazing child who just shocks me every day that I could produce someone so perfect, and yet it's darkened by his presence, his words, and his actions.
Hang in there mommas. If there is anything I learned, it's patience.
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